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Cockburn US Politics

This is what $1,200 looks like in campaign merch

Hey kid, wanna buy 80 Joe Biden mugs?

July 27, 2020

2:29 PM

27 July 2020

2:29 PM

Is your stimulus check on its way? New reports suggest the Republican-run Senate planning to include another $1,200 check in its relief package. With the election right around the corner, it’s time for American voters to put that cash to good use.

Here are a few ways they can spend their hard-earned government handout to better their favorite campaign — while also working up a sweet merchandise collection.

Trump campaign

No campaign site in history has a wider variety of merchandise than Trump, believe Cockburn. The campaign website has four full pages of gifts in addition to its apparel collection.

Trump-Pence 2020 Beach Towel — $65

A $65 beach towel? That’s a bargain. I’ll take 18!

Official Trump Puzzle — $35

You and Grandma can help Trump finally put all the pieces together. $1,200 will get you 34 of them.

I HEART Trump Straws — Pack of 10 — $15

These suck

‘The libs’ can still call you a bigot, but with these reusable straws, they won’t be able to say you hate the environment anymore. Apparently they’re a best-seller. You can get 800 for your stimulus check.

Official Trump Coloring Book — $20

A personal favorite of Cockburn’s. Only true patriots can keep their shading inside the lines! Get 60 and send that cash right back to Mr Trump.

Trump Pence Snowflake Gift Wrapping Paper — $30

Tomi Lahren’s go-to! With your 40 rolls your wrapping can give Kanye a run for his money.

Trump Pence Keep America Great! Dog Collar — $15

Make America Growl Again

In 2020, everything is political. Might as well throw your dog into the picture. And 79 other dogs.

Donald J. Trump Limited Edition Fine Art Poster — $24

It’s unclear if he posed for this

A totally normal thing to have in your house! Or, with 50 of them, you could re-wallpaper the whole first floor.

Trump-Pence 2020 Playing Cards — $25

Supporting Trump has always been a bit of a gamble. Is this deck rigged? Buy 48 and start your own failing casino.

Trump Pride 2020 Ringer Tee — $30


There’s something for everyone to like on this website!

#YouAintBlack Tee — $30

Cockburn has no words for this one.

Limited Edition I Cry Less Than a Democrat Infant One-Piece — $18

Limited Edition Baby Lives Matter Infant One-Piece — $18

Who could miss the opportunity to trigger leftists with your baby? Your stimulus money could buy 66, clothe the whole nursery…

Bull-Schiff Tee — $30

Remember impeachment? A simpler time…

Biden campaign

Crazy Joe may not yet have the variety of merchandise of his opponent, but he does have a pride section. He has to win those Bernie bros over somehow.

Biden Pride Button Collection — $12

Biden President Pride Tee — $30

Joe Trans Pride Tee — $30

With all this Pride merchandise, progressives can finally leave behind the fact that Biden ran against gay marriage in his 2008 campaign as then Sen. Barack Obama’s running mate. Forty shirts for $1,200.

Joe and Barack Grassroots Event Tee — $30

Biden seems to be hammering the idea that Obama is his best friend. That sure worked for Hillary in 2016…

Tweet Less, Listen More Tee — $30

Try explaining this one to your grandkids.

Black Americans for Joe Tee — $30

With this shirt, African American supporters can assure Biden that they are indeed black.

Young Joe Biden Tee — $30

Running on experience is always a solid strategy. Here we see Biden smiling after the signing of the Constitution. Very cool!

Biden Face Mask — $20

merch

Cockburn does find it odd that Trump didn’t have one of these yet. You can get them for you and 59 of your fellow protesters.

Baby for Biden One-Piece — $25

No comment.

Cup of Joe Mug — $15

merch

While obvious, Cockburn must admit this is quite appealing. Your stimulus check will get you 80 — that’s 880z fluid ounces of Joe!

No Malarkey Buttons — $6

Please, please be the campaign slogan.

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Libertarian party

Who is the candidate this year? Cockburn forgets. Hopefully, he or she remembers where Aleppo is this time.

I Vape I Vote T-Shirts — $25

merch

‘Mooooommmmm, stop hitting my Juul…’

The stimulus check accounts for 48 of these shirts. This way, libertarians can stay on brand without having to do laundry for nearly two months (assuming they do laundry at all).


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