Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York is the man of the hour. His daily speeches to his state’s concerned denizens have been ‘confident, reassuring, and gives instructions competently’, as Cockburn’s comrade Luke Thompson so accurately put it earlier.
But there’s a pressing matter at hand that needs to be addressed: are the governor’s nipples pierced?
Cockburn would never usually bother himself with what’s under any politician’s shirt, regardless of their stature. However, photos from the governor’s Friday appearance at the Javits Center have rendered this an issue too prominent to overlook:
You see what Cockburn sees, right?
If the governor has had his nips pierced, it would be a recent development. As you can see, he wore a very similar shirt to the New York City Pride march in June 2018:
And to the West Indian Day parade in September 2016:
And to the same event two years earlier:
Perhaps it’s simply a trick of the light. Perhaps the cool conditions in the Javits Center are getting to poor old Andrew. Or perhaps the 62-year-old governor of New York decided to get his nips done at some point in the last 18 months. After all, he has been single since September — who could deny a bachelor the freedom to experiment a little?
If you were curious, it’s not a family habit, as you can see by this shirtless picture of Andrew’s brother Chris here.
And for what it’s worth, Cockburn is not the only one wondering. On Reddit they’ve been speculating on the matter all weekend. ‘I used to have mine pierced and wear straight bars. Yeah, he definitely has his nipple pierced,’ wrote one Redditor. ‘You shouldn’t judge him for it. They hurt like a bitch to get done,’ added another. Perhaps most pertinently, a user called ‘FatQuack’ wrote: ‘We’re only in the 2nd week of lockdown and you’re checking out the governor’s nipples? Dude, how are you going to last until May?’
At this juncture, Cockburn would usually reach out to Cuomo’s office to confirm or deny the theory — but he rather suspects the good governor may be a touch too busy to respond. And frankly, who cares if he has boobs like a Bushwick bartender (remember bartenders?) — as long as New Yorkers get enough respirators can’t we fuhgeddaboutit?
If you do happen to have inside knowledge on which politicians have piercings, do drop us a line at email@example.com.