Hey folks, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood antifa ringleader. You may recognize me from such news clips as ‘Small group of troublemakers seen smashing windows’ and ‘ANTIFA dude on fire in Portland’. That’s me in the black hoodie.
I’m enjoying a bit of downtime ahead of another largely peaceful weekend (weather permitting!). Right now I’m changing flights — who knew there were flight changes in business class? — but I figured I’d take a break from my busy schedule of scheming to give you all an important message: vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris on November 3.
I know what you’re thinking: isn’t antifa a series of anarchist groups with little to do with center-left mainstream politics? What does a radical collective like that want with a career politician like Joe Biden? And doesn’t Kamala Harris love cracking down on crime?
Questions like those are missing the point. As you know, young people are big policy wonks. And really that’s what all the summer of unrest has been about: policy, particularly those agreed on by Joe, Kamala and the DNC.
When I spark up my joint on the way down to the organized mayhem, I’m dreaming of a day when it’s decriminalized but not fully legalized. When I light a Molotov cocktail and fling it through the window of an AutoZone, that’s my way of saying ‘I want a slightly expanded version of the insubstantial existing Medicare coverage.’ And when I roll my commemorative edition of the 1619 Project up into an improvised club with which to strike a passing policeman, it’s a cheeky gesture that tells the officer: ‘hello old friend — like my chosen candidate Joe Biden, I want to add $300 million to your budget.’ I always make a point to wink knowingly before screaming ‘ACAB’ in their faces — just so they’re in on the bit.
The Democratic party are delighted that me and the rest of antifa are on board. Deep down, I know nothing wins the hearts and minds of those crucial suburban swing state voters like scenes of unbridled carnage unfolding in the metropolises they’ve sent their kids to live in. Some of them are afraid we’re coming for the suburbs next. To those people I say: damn right we are. I’ll be there next Tuesday with a load of laundry for my parents and some flashy new ‘Biden-Harris’ yard signs. My university professor father and boutique womenswear designer mother are all in on antifa too: I call her ‘momrade’ now!
Earlier this year, President Trump wanted to declare us a ‘terrorist organization.’ That really lit up the Antifa Heads groupchat I co-founded in order to synchronize Get Out the Vote drives with my antifam in other cities. There’s a lot of misinformation going around about our gang, largely based on things our members think and say to the press about ‘hating capitalism’ and ‘wanting a revolution’. In many ways, those statements are metaphors, for the bipartisan approach Joe Biden took towards getting things done in Washington over his Senate career. C’mon, man: what could be more revolutionary than a years-long friendship with a man like John McCain? And when we talk about ‘starting society from scratch’, isn’t it obvious that we’re talking about a society in a Middle Eastern country thousands of miles away, when good ol’ Joe kicks the military-industrial complex back into gear?
In his Democratic convention speech, Joe Biden talked about ending ‘this chapter of American darkness’. Myself and my antifa brethren are on hand to make that happen, one flaming protester at a time. See you at the voting booth — we have spare masks if you need them!