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Cockburn

On the beauty of Paul Joseph Watson

‘Lovely hair. I wouldn’t mind running my fingers through it, as long as he kept his mouth shut’

April 28, 2020

1:39 PM

28 April 2020

1:39 PM

‘Beauty is a form of genius,’ said Oscar Wilde, ‘higher, indeed, than genius, as it needs no explanation.’ Wilde may well have appreciated the face of Paul Joseph Watson, the video provocateur and radical rightist on Twitter.

PJW, as the boys call him when they’re all together in the baths back home in Sheffield, is a good-looking man and he would have to be blind not to know it himself. He’s so secure in his looks, in fact, that he’s very comfortable telling everyone how gosh-darn attractive he is. It’s very rock-n-roll.

On Sunday, in a battle of the British, Watson launched a furious tirade at Piers Morgan, for being not only wrong, apparently, but insufficiently hot. Things got pretty ugly, pretty quickly. Take a deep breath…


The alt-right fraternity piled in, too — lampooning Morgan endlessly in various memes that depicted PJW ‘owning’ him in a faintly sordid way. Indeed, the homoerotic dimension of the spat was hardly lessened by PJW’s repeated use of the word ‘bitch’ and his insistence that he was vastly better looking than Piers Morgan, who’s never claimed to be a great beauty (his wife, on other hand…).

Cockburn was amused to see Mike Cernovich take a moment off from fancying himself to acknowledge PJW’s sex appeal:

Cockburn has also met PJW and was impressed by his highly coiffed demeanor. But he doesn’t trust his own judgment when it comes to the same-sex appeal, so he put the question to the straight women and homosexual men of The Spectator office. The response, it’s fair to say, was modified rapture. Here they are in full:

‘I do think he’s good-looking actually, but then I haven’t seen a man for a month and a half.’

‘Weird lips. His eyes are red and puffy, like he’s on the verge of liberal tears.’

‘Looks like a werewolf, and not in a hot way. If the choice is between PJW and Piers Morgan, I’m choosing extending the lockdown.’

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‘Super hot, like Hugh Jackman with a severe iron deficiency, or Christian Bale after losing 100 pounds for another Oscar snub.’

‘Lovely hair. I wouldn’t mind running my fingers through it, as long as he kept his mouth shut.’

‘I can imagine him paying homage to Call Me By Your Name on a trip to the Continent, playing the Chalamet to Cernovich’s Hammer. The pair would cycle around northern Italy in pastels, gazing wistfully at Mussolini monuments and discovering the true meaning of forbidden love. The man’s a peach.’

‘Imagine my shock when I learned he’s so tall. He looks quite elfin in his YouTube videos, perhaps a product of that contorted YouTuber posture they all seem to deploy — shoulders pinched back tightly, forehead aggressively jutting onward. It seems to slim the neck and accent the jawline and it looks very uncomfortable. Maybe that’s why the videos tend to be so short. Whereas Hollywood magic makes miniature leading men appear normal-statured, YouTube seems to have the opposite effect. Oddly, I think he’d be cuter if he were more bite-sized, like an English muffin.’


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