On July 10, 2019, after a week, my order of Instagram model Belle Delphine’s ‘GamerGirl Bath Water’ arrived in the mail.
It was a frustrating process to obtain the now-sold out tub, labeled on Delphine’s website as ‘for sentimental purposes only,’ and I had to jump through several hoops before the order could be shipped.
After paying $33 for order #10100, I waited four days, before receiving an email from the model asking me to reply with a clear statement of understanding that ‘the water should not be consumed, poured upon my body or opened should the seal be broken.’
I was also required to declare that I would ‘not hold Belle Store Ltd or Belle Delphine liable for any harm which may come to me as a result of my purchase.’
Sorry for the delay, Delphine continued, adding that she ‘was just really keen to get my bath water to you!’
‘Thank you so much for supporting me and my store. Lots of love.’
Even after waiving my rights to sue Delphine should drinking her bath water make me violently ill, days went by and I still hadn’t received any notice of shipping.
By this point, feeling rather fed up with the whole situation, I sent one final email to the Belle Delphine store.
‘If this hasn’t been sent yet, just refund me please. It was supposed to be for a review for a major publication, but it’s taking too long and the window for a review is closing.’
My tub of GamerGirl Bath Water was shipped that very evening, and arrived two days later.
The postman handed me a bag, containing a discreet brown cardboard box – void of any markings, like when you order condoms from the internet.
Inside the cardboard box, encased in protective foam pellets, stood the tub – glistening in the summer sun, which poured through my lounge window.
The gold seal ensured that this tub of GamerGirl Bath Water remained untampered with, and the inclusion of a bonus Belle Delphine sticker helped alleviate any woes I had experienced in actually getting the product to my front door.
I could tell it wasn’t just tap water due to the murky appearance, and a strange smell which was emitted after breaking the seal that brought me close to gagging.
Many YouTubers claimed to have received tubs of GamerGirl Bath Water over the past week, and made videos doing taste tests and even vaping the product.
Unfortunately, several of these appeared to be fake, including a video of one man who claimed the bath water smelled like ‘old Indian food,’ with the alleged official tubs looking wildly different to the actual sold product.
So, in the name of journalism, I decided to break my promise to Belle Delphine and test the product in ways which strayed from the official ‘for sentimental purposes only’ policy, in an effort to satisfy the public’s curiosity, of course.
After seeing claims on social media that over 50 Belle Delphine fans had contracted herpes after drinking her bath water, I nervously double-checked that these were indeed a hoax, before starting with the obvious area for review.
The water had a light, sweet candy-like taste with traces of salt, and my stomach started to hurt just a few minutes later.
It was normal enough to be drinkable if you were dehydrated in the Australian outback, dying of thirst, but too weird to drink with a ready meal at home.
Rubbing the water on my skin – an act officially forbidden by the official Belle Delphine store – had no immediate side effects, besides making my arm smell like I’d just gotten out of a scented bath.
Running out of ideas for a review of some 19-year-old British girl’s bath water, I decided to make a cup of tea.
In an effort to protect the limited resource, I mixed Delphine’s bath water with tap water in the kettle, and waited for it to boil.
Once steaming, I poured the concoction into a Cadbury’s Creme Egg mug and doused it with a spot of semi-skimmed milk. An unsettling taste was still there, and after receiving the temptation to try it in a Pot Noodle, I stopped myself and called it a day.
No matter what you put it in, Belle Delphine’s bath water is going to taste like…well, bath water. It doesn’t matter whether you put it in a Bombay Bad Boy Pot Noodle with a sachet of mango sauce, or a mug with a PG Tips teabag. It isn’t going to be particularly exciting.
You have to wonder whether Delphine’s recommendation of using the product for ‘sentimental purposes only’ was to save fans from the hassle and disappointment of trying to use it in any other meaningful way, though horny Delphine-obsessed incels will no doubt find many satisfying ways to use the product.
All in all, I can’t say that I would recommend Belle Delphine’s GamerGirl Bath Water, unless, like me, you’re a journalist devoted to bringing the facts to the general public.