Ever since that agonizing day on November 8 in 2016, Donald Trump’s Twitter feed has been dark, and full of errors. His Lannister-blonde hair glinting in his avi as his tiny fingers mercilessly excrete torrents of egomaniacal tweets, like an illiterate Cersei drunk with power.
Well, no more. This will not continue.
Last November, Trump made the fatal mistake of revealing himself to be a Game of Thrones fan by posting a meme, a commitment he reaffirmed in January and April.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) November 2, 2018
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) January 6, 2019
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 18, 2019
After doing further investigations (I have an insider who works for a well-known streaming service who from here-to-forth shall be known as ‘my ally’), I discovered last week that he’d only got as far as Season 1, episode 2. He’s not read the books (my insider at the Amazon Kindle store confirmed this), and so he has no idea of what lays in store.
With this vital piece of information, I formulated a plan. Last Thursday I picked up my iPhone, called the White House and demanded to be put through to Trump. I was told that wouldn’t be possible, so I asked if I could leave a message, I told them to tell Trump that Ned Stark gets his head chopped off in episode 9. I then hung up and felt satisfied that this action would cause Trump some mild annoyance. But I did not stop there. My ally got in touch with me on Sunday evening to tell me that over the weekend Donald had reached season 2, episode 4. I sent this email to Trump’s office the next day:
Confident I had ruined the third season for him, I moved onto the fourth, fifth, sixth and seventh seasons (not season 8, I’m not a monster). If he thought he would get to enjoy the emotional roller-coaster of events unfolding throughout the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros, he would have another thing coming.
I created an anonymous Twitter account and bombarded his Twitter feed with spoilers over the following 48 hours:
I knew he had seen at least one of them because my account was suspended after I posted the one about Ygritte. This morning my ally contacted me to tell me that Trump had canceled his subscription. The sweet taste of victory was in my mouth and I felt like Daenerys Targaryen must have felt after she had defeated Kraznys mo Nakloz and freed the Unsullied.
I know that many of you reading this will not look kindly upon me. You may think my methods are too harsh, even against the Orange Overlord. Spoilers are for some, unforgivable. Just the other day a man was beaten bloody outside a cinema for shouting out spoilers to Avengers: Endgame. But I say this to you, if you could have destroyed Hitler by telling him the ending to Gone With The Wind before he’d had a chance to see it, I am sure your answer would be in the affirmative.
Another little bird WhatsApped me earlier to tell me that Trump has never seen the 1997 movie Titanic, and that all evidence points to him planning to watch it on Amazon Prime with his wife this weekend. Well Donald, I have a ‘sinking feeling’ that you may not enjoy it as much as you would have liked…