Uh oh, Chris Cuomo has been engaging with a nefarious Chinese media company. Like countless quarantined dads across the globe, the CNN host has been trying out dances and other trends with his daughter, Bella, on a popular social media app called TikTok that allows users to make and share short videos with assorted visual and sound effects.
Never mind that the app may be sending personal data to the Chinese Communist party, Chris is begging for a fair dose of mockery for his dancing. Accordingly, Cockburn pulled out his notebook and fountain pen to critique some of Chris’s attempts to win over Gen-Z.
What does the world need to see right now? Chris Cuomo and his teenage daughter dancing to DaBaby’s ‘ROCKSTAR’ ft. Roddy Rich.
In this TikTok, Chris takes a second to listen to the lyrics, then flaps his arms around like a confused car dealership tube man. Although the lyric ‘fuck a cop car’ is more fitting for Mayor De Blasio, Chris still makes the beat work in his favor.
We’ll look past the fact that Chris, a very white man, is dancing to a portion of the song with the N-word in it. Cockburn is still waiting for the media to pick apart the microaggression implicit in this dance.
Here’s another dancing video, this one a mashup of ‘Savage’ by Megan Thee Stallion and ‘What’s My Name’ by Rihanna.
This ’Tok shows a tad less dance finesse than the last one. Chris walks onto the screen like a chicken, then begins moving his hips, kicking his feet backward, and once again flailing his arms. In the background, Bella attempts to gain back the spotlight, just as Chris has been attempting to do for the past five decades with his elder brother, Gov. Andrew Cuomo of New York.
Sadly, Cockburn feels that this dance fails to live up to the ‘classy, bougee, ratchet’ standard.
#fyp gma confirms that andrew did call
CNN’s new Cuomo comedy special is bleeding into the world of TikTok.
In this one, Bella plays a clip from the brothers Cuomo bantering on CNN, in which Andrew says that Chris is their mother’s ‘second favorite son’.
At first, Grandma Cuomo is surprised to hear herself mentioned during the interview. Like many others, Mrs Cuomo is not sure that this clip was really played live on CNN. She asks Bella, ‘Are they taping this?’ To the surprise of Mrs Cuomo, Cockburn, and most of America, Bella confirms that ‘this was on the show last night’.
#fyp “I like that my face never changes” – my father
Chris and Bella continue to show the versatility in their music taste. In this TikTok, the dynamic duo get down to ‘Don’t Start Now’ by Dua Lipa.
At least in this one, Chris is sitting down, thereby constraining his lackluster dancing to only the upper half of his body.
Cockburn would love to see Bella’s uncle Andrew boogey to these lyrics: ‘Though it took some time to survive you / I’m better on the other side’. Especially given the fact he could be responsible for thousands of nursing home deaths in the state of New York
#fyp some people just don’t appreciate great people like me and it’s honestly sad.
Lastly, Cockburn analyzed a TikTok in which Bella dons a HAZMAT suit to hang out with Chris, who had been infected with coronavirus.
When Bella arrives in the basement to speak to her father, he turned up the volume on his television to tune her out — not very kind.