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Confessions of a White House staffer

Leaky pipes and media drama queens

November 2, 2019

5:54 PM

2 November 2019

5:54 PM

Oh no, the pipes in Stephen Miller’s office are leaking again. We need to fix them and apparently it’s up to me stop the place flooding. I’m pretty sure this is not what I majored in polisci at UVA for, but whatever. Miller’s burst pipes end up dampening everyone who is trying to make immigration reform happen. Word is that Kirstjen Nielsen and Kevin McAleenan both suffered a dousing. Miller’s been told to keep his office in better order. He looks a bit upset. Could be worse, I wanted to tell him, at least his sprayed-on hair didn’t get wet.

Another day passes without Hogan Gidley doing a press conference. The hacks are started to mock him openly. The deputy press secretary has been in his role since 2017, and still hasn’t made it to the podium. He prefers a more, er, intimate approach: he likes to address reporters in little gaggles. It’s got to the point where Gidley can’t cross the White House lawn without hearing someone heckling ‘when are you gonna do a briefing?!’ To be fair, old Hogan does keep himself busy — we White House staffers can’t flirt with ourselves!

People like to say that this White House is all over the shop. But I love the fact there is never a dull moment. Take earlier this week, when we frantically started preparing the Roosevelt room for 45’s response to the impeachment inquiry vote. Then we found the president would just be sending out a few tweets instead. My fellow interns were a bit furious. I just thought it was funny. Classic Trump.

You don’t have to be a full-on Trumpist to loathe journalists (but it helps!). I find it hilarious watching the power dynamics of these fourth-estate egomaniacs. Who is top dog? Consider silver-haired CNN White House correspondent Jim Acosta, who is increasingly antsy about being usurped by a younger, more beautiful queen: Kaitlan Collins. A few months back, Jim found himself arguing with a wrangler because there was a ‘one-reporter-per-network’ rule in the Rose Garden. The up-and-comer Collins had beaten him to the punch. ‘But I’ve got to do my stand-up at 6!’ Acosta protested, hysterically. ‘Sort it out among yourselves,’ the wrangler told him. The gracious Acosta duly pulled rank and kicked Collins out. A true gentleman!

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