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The Black Friday brawl is a precious national pastime

Participating in Black Friday is more American than participating in elections

November 28, 2019

9:31 AM

28 November 2019

9:31 AM

Right now, freedom fighters around the world, from Hong Kong to Iran, are captivating the world and our media, as they desperately fight the oppression of the state for the democratic rights we already enjoy; specifically Black Friday.

This is why our capitalistic democracy is already great. As Hong Kong faces lethal bullets from Chinese state police, we face elderly veterans at the entrance of Walmart, sacrificing their time and safety once again in often times frigid temperatures to face down a determined, ruthless enemy, just as they did at the Battle of Chosin Reservoir. This is why America is already great.  Black Friday is perhaps the only non-militarized event where a normal citizen can risk the elements and their very lives against their fellow man in service of their country, their community and their family.

Black Friday, like America itself, was birthed in the city of Philadelphia in the 1960s (take that hippies ) by a champion of retail named Abe Rosen, who would go on to be the Director of Commerce. Rosen petitioned to have the city officially name the day after Thanksgiving as ‘Big Friday’. Big Friday was later rebranded into the simply cooler-sounding ‘Black Friday’ and has been embedded as a national holiday in the conscience of our shopping nation ever since.

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Like saloon duels of the 1800s, or hockey fights of the 1970s, or Wrestlemania spectacles of the 1980s, few images stir the depths of the national soul as watching hordes of the overstuffed masses pile through plexiglass doors onto freon laced linoleum floors in search of that last flat screen or crock pot. Participating in Black Friday is more American than participating in elections; and when Thomas Payne wrote of reaping the blessings of freedom while undergoing the fatigues of supporting it, clawing yourself out from under a mother of three for the last talking Aquaman figure is exactly what he envisioned.

It’s one thing to take this America-loving author’s word as scripture, but let’s step back and judge the pure patriotism of Black Friday by the only metric that matters in America — Las Vegas oddsmakers. Even if you don’t need that new electric kettle or third Kindle, Las Vegas lets you, the citizen, participate by allowing you to bet on everything from total retail sales or total shopper count in store. But the real bets are on Black Friday shoppers themselves.

You can place bets on such things like ‘will the number of unprovoked shark attacks worldwide be higher than Black Friday related deaths worldwide?’ The number of Black Friday deaths in the United States (in 2017 this was listed at -250) or number of Black Friday-combined injuries and deaths in the rest of the world (+210). America wins as long as we simply cover the spread. Will there be a gun-related incident on Black Friday (from 2017). Yes: -170 to No:+150. This is America so the spread should simply be ‘hopefully’, as that statistic is likely to include Black Friday gun sales as well.

Any assaults or even casualties that occur on Black Friday are simply collateral damage for advancing the idea of America beyond our shores. Their sacrifices will not be in vain, much like the sacrifices of Hong Kong freedom fighters or the revolutionaries in Iran. One day, they too will have that of which a free people desire most for themselves and their families; a Black Friday of their own.


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