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Ten demands Cockburn has if he is to take the Immigration Czar role

An eminently reasonable list for a man seeking high office

May 21, 2019

1:01 PM

21 May 2019

1:01 PM

Someone really doesn’t want Kris Kobach to work in the White House.

The former Kansas Secretary of State, who lost a gubernatorial race in November, was in talks about joining the administration as its ‘Immigration Czar’. But, in what appears to be an attempted kneecapping, the New York Times revealed a list of 10 demands he was making were he to take the position.

Three people ‘familiar’ with Kobach’s commandments confirmed them to Maggie Haberman and Annie Karni. He wanted 24/7 access to a DHS or DOD jet, to allow him to be at the border every week, weekends at home with the family in Kansas, to be ‘the face’ of Trump immigration policy and a guarantee that by November 1, he would be nominated for the role of DHS secretary, among other things.

The Times story references that other names were in contention for the role, including Ken Cuccinelli. But it doesn’t mention that Cockburn himself is under consideration. Here are the conditions under which I would be prepared to enter the administration as Immigration Czar.

  1. Corner office in the West Wing (if it’s Stephen Miller’s, make sure he recycles all those cans his hair comes in).
  2. Walk-in privileges with the president, the vice president, the Chief of Staff, Kellyanne…you know what, everyone. Cockburn wants unfettered access to sit on whoever’s desk he pleases and ask them how they feel about last night’s Nats game.
  3. Senior Assistant to the President rank – this does not exist at present, but it’s vital that Cockburn is paid slightly more than his other White House colleagues, to hammer home how seriously this administration is taking immigration.
  4. Staff of 11 people (3 secretaries, 2 attorneys, 2 therapists, 1 hair and make-up specialist, 1 golf instructor, 2 well-built assistants who carry me around the White House on a sedia gestatoria.)
  5. POTUS sits down individually with Czar and the secretaries of Homeland Security, Defense, Justice, Ag, Interior and Commerce, where POTUS instructs each secretary to be very nice to the Czar, kiss his ring and invite him to any good parties
  6. 24/7 access to an F-35 fighter jet, painted in Cockburn’s college colors. Czar must be on the border of his choice each week, whether skiing in Alaska or surfing in American Samoa (you never know when the Cook Islanders will make a dash for US soil).
  7. Ability to spend weekends with his family in New York, his secret second family in Virginia, or blowing off some steam in Miami Beach.
  8. No security detail at any time – the Czar can handle himself.
  9. Serve as the flawless, well-tanned face of Trump immigration policy – the principal spokesman on television, unless it’s that blowhard Chris Matthews. Get an intern to do that.
  10. Promise that by November 1, 2019, the president will nominate Cockburn to be Ivanka’s next consort (presuming she has consumed Jared mantis-like by that point).

Cockburn is nothing if not reasonable.


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