Impeachment is, as the 45th president of the United States so delicately puts it, BORING! The demented horse race that is the 2020 Democratic primary is infinitely more fun, and fast upon us.
With little over a week to go before the Iowa caucuses, Cockburn feels inspired to present the runners in the manner of a sporting contest, as relayed by the Twitter account of Donald Trump, whose great genius is to turn everything into entertainment.
1) Crazy Bernie
He’s a Socialist/Communist, and his rallies are smaller than mine. I don’t know his party will let him win. He doesn’t know about economics, not like I do, and he’s the nutty professor! The blacks don’t like him much, not like they like me. Thank you Kanye.
2) Sleepy Joe
That boring old stiff? Bring him on! His family are ripping off countries for millions of dollars, why is he running when he should be testifying? My friend Xi in China would be very happy if this country was led by a bumbling old man, let me tell you. And my buddy Kim Jong-un thinks he’s a ‘low IQ idiot’. Not nice!
3) Mini Mike
People say he’s richer than me and that’s why I keep tweeting about it. I’m not scared of him: he’s too small. He says he is willing to spend two billion getting elected. I spent almost nothing and I won. Who do you want running the country?
It’s SO SAD what’s happened to her! She seems to have faded away, which is bad news for me. She tried to be as crazy as Bernie but she just seems too fake. She’s like Lyin’ Hillary only worse. I hope she makes a comeback.
5) Alfred E. Neuman aka Pete Buttigieg
This guy seems like a loser, I don’t get it. Nobody can say his name: I wouldn’t bother learning it now. Nobody will have heard of the guy in 10 years’ time. Trump is one of the great world names. Blacks like him even less than they like Bernie.
6) That Yang Guy
I’ve always said the only candidate I have to be afraid of is the guy who comes out of nowhere. Apparently my voters like this guy — who knew!
7) Snowman(woman) aka Amy Klobuchar
I forgot she was still running, until the Failin’ New York Times endorsed her last week! She dies on every stage she stands on, I would love to debate her!
8) Tulsi Gabbard
Well Crooked Hillary hates her, so that’s one thing she’s got going for her. She’s about as much of a ‘Russian asset’ as I am, aka not at all! Would be good for the Democrats to go for a looker for a change — why not make 2020 a bit more like Miss Universe?
9) Tom Steyer
A major loser. He can spend as much on TV ads as he wants, money can’t buy you love when you’re a weirdo, Tom! Still, he may be the only guy they’ve got who loves coal as much as me.
Bring back Crooked Hillary, I say. All is forgiven.