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Cockburn

Donkey Dow: Joe Lulla-biden

The front-runner turns policy-heavy and puts us all to sleep

July 15, 2019

3:18 PM

15 July 2019

3:18 PM

Cockburn is introducing the Donkey Dow: a round-up of the movers and shakers in the race to face up against Donald Trump. Here’s how the candidates and contenders fared over the last few days.

donkey dow lulla-biden

Winners

Pity for Pete Buttigieg was a theme of the weekend, as a now-unpublished piece in The New Republic slating the mayor was met with bipartisan criticism. ‘Mary Pete and I are just not the same kind of gay,’ wrote the author Dale Peck. Shock horror! It serves as a welcome distraction from the South Bend police shooting which has plagued Buttigieg for the last few weeks, so Cockburn is scoring him up for effectively deploying a smokescreen of outrage. (Was the article really that bad? Even Jezebel doesn’t seem to think so…)

In an against-the-odds teen success story that could rival Stranger ThingsMike Gravel reached 65,000 donors to hopefully qualify for the Detroit debate. The 20 candidates on stage will be decided by the DNC, and they may try and shut the 89-year-old former Alaska senator out. Cockburn hopes they don’t though: Gravel would make for much more intriguing viewing than another look at Michael Bennet or Tim Ryan.

Marianne Williamson has really stepped up her social media game since the first debate, and is another of the more fascinating contenders for the nomination. In the hopes that she invites Cockburn on her next transcendental meditation retreat, she’s up as well.

Entrepreneur Andrew Yang hosted what Cockburn imagines is the first public event in Portland this year where no one got maced or milkshaked. Awarding points for improving the quality of the discourse in the PNW.

Losers

A bad few days for fans of ancestry.com, as Beto O’Rourke once more took to Medium to reveal both he and his rich wife Amy are descended from slave owners. And yet his campaign was going so well up to this point! He joins Kamala Harris on the black voter shit-list, whose father had previously revealed how his Jamaican lineage could be traced back to slavers. African American voters will likely be the difference between Harris flourishing or foundering, and many are already suspicious of the California ‘cop‘. She may need to dig deep for another ‘authentic’ moment like her recently-rowed back assault on Biden over busing.

Panderer of the week goes to Jay Inslee for saying he’d ask purple-haired US women’s soccer captain Megan Rapinoe to be his secretary of state. Because nothing screams ‘international diplomacy’ like refusing to meet people you disagree with and showing no respect to peers from other countries.

There was a major power outage in New York City on Saturday. Where was Mayor Bill de Blasio? In Iowa, of course, fervently campaigning for 2020 as all dedicated servants of America’s most populous city should be. The New York tabloids aren’t too happy with Blaz, with the New York Post calling for his head. Hang in there, buddy!

When you’re struggling in the single digits, it’s a bold move to openly tell prospective voters to ‘support somebody else.’ So enjoy this clip of Cory Booker in New Hampshire telling a Jewish supporter of Palestine to do just that.

https://twitter.com/IfNotNowOrg/status/1150392483467202560

Neither here nor there

Joe Biden is making moves to brand himself as a serious policy guy, marking a change in tack from his previous approach of ignoring his fellow primary contenders. The subtext of him laying out his foreign affairs platform in Manhattan last week and his healthcare proposal today is clear: it’s not just Liz Warren with a plan. There’s a stark difference between Biden and Warren though, one that Cockburn picked up while watching Uncle Joe in NYC. The Massachusetts senator manages to generate enthusiasm around otherwise staid ideas: the passion for her on Twitter and among the media makes her ideas seem lively. Biden…does not have the same skill set. You could work wonders at a kindergarten nap time by playing the soothing sounds of Joe’s dull droning over the intercom. Just call him Joe Lulla-biden.

Skidding out

It’s so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen goodnight to Eric Swalwell, who dropped out from his challenge to lose a presidential primary in order to focus on losing his House primary instead. Gone but not forgotten…wait, who were we talking about?

New faces

Billionaire Tom Steyer pulled off the switcheroo of the decade. First he started Need to Impeach, a grassroots movement for Russiagate cranks who want Trump gone. He said he wouldn’t run for president…but wait, who’s that coming over the horizon, stepping into Eric Swalwell’s recently vacated Crocs? It’s Big Bucks Steyer, armed only with an enormous email list and the blind hubris of billionairedom. Further proof that people who accrue vast wealth have no idea what to do with it.


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