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Cockburn

Despite flying donuts, Wohl, Burkman and Milo present Ted Cruz ‘lover’

Woman in large sunglasses alleges ‘masked swingers party’ with Texas senator for some reason

October 22, 2019

2:31 PM

22 October 2019

2:31 PM

Hoping to counter claims of being biased against Democrats, truth-seekers Jacob Wohl and Jack Burkman have directed their attention to Republican Sen. Ted Cruz.

At a press conference held on Burkman’s Arlington residence driveway, the two conspirators presented a young woman by the name of ‘Kay Feller’, who described her extramarital exploits with the senator.

When Cockburn arrived at 1599 North Colonial Terrace, he saw some staples of the now-frequent Burkman-Wohl press conference: a TV screen presenting this week’s accusation, a stack of Dunkin Donuts for the attending press, and a bodyguard posted by the podium. Unique to this conference, though, was Milo Yiannopoulos, who sat beside the podium in a fur jacket. Cockburn suspects the provocateur hasn’t quite left the furry community, despite his de facto excommunication.

To begin the press conference, Burkman discussed Nancy Pelosi’s alleged drug abuse — the advertised topic of Monday’s press conference — and claimed the Speaker of the House of Representatives ‘takes at least eight Percocet a day.’

After leveling this unsubstantiated claim, the two conspirators brought out ‘Kay Feller’, who was sporting large sunglasses, to describe her salacious affair with Sen. Cruz. After being instructed to meet with the senator by Cruz’s lawyer, Feller claimed she met with the senator at Washington’s Mayflower Hotel. ‘After a few old fashioneds,’ Feller said she was ‘a willing participant in a night of steamy sex.’ The woman added that ‘despite his ugly face and overweight physique,’ she ‘could not resist the opportunity to be with a United States senator.’

As Feller described her several encounters with Cruz, including a ‘masked swingers party’ (with enough details to make Cockburn blush), a few members of the crowd competed for attention. One bearded man strummed a banjo through the entire press conference, hoping to drown out the speakers. Another young man used an airhorn and lobbed donuts at the defenseless Wohl.

Despite the onslaught, Wohl and Burkman carried on. When asked why the accuser was wearing sunglasses that obscured most of her face, Wohl was resolute: ‘It’s because she’s got glaucoma. Now we respect if you would show a little bit of reverence to her health issue.’

Toward the end of the press conference, Milo was invited up to podium, but his speech was mostly incomprehensible with the banjo and accompanying air horns in the background. Cockburn did catch Milo saying, ‘it’s been a challenging year or two for me,’ which, given the circumstances, is probably an understatement.

Milo addresses the crowd

As Wohl, Burkman, Milo, ‘Feller’, and the bodyguard filed back into the Arlington home, police, responding to a noise complaint, arrived to the scene.

The police arrive

One disgruntled neighbor approached the assembled crowd and expressed his wishes succinctly: ‘I want all of you out of this fuckin’ neighborhood, now!’ Cockburn kindly obliged.

Got a tip for Cockburn? Email cockburn@spectator.us.


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