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Farewell, John McAfee — America’s light is a bit dimmer today

Pour one out from an undisclosed location

The aftershocks of a stunning Super Tuesday continue to ripple through the conscience of America. Suddenly, a great number of Americans find themselves wondering where they can turn to find the best hope to restore American dignity and normalcy.

 I’m referring, of course, to Libertarian presidential candidate and fugitive John McAfee, who sadly announced he was suspending his campaign in a Twitter video Wednesday from parts unknown. The country has been robbed of the potential for McAfee, surrounded by a plethora of gorgeous Belarusian strippers and strapped up with an AK-47, to be sworn in to the presidency with an acid-dipped joint dropping from his lips. 

McAfee instead declared his candidacy for vice president alongside Libertarian candidate Vermin Supreme.

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‘His campaign is beyond a doubt the most profoundly simple and effective of anyone’s,’ McAfee said, explaining his endorsement of Supreme. ‘It’s based on one principle — a free pony for every American. Now who can fucking argue with that?’


In a thinly veiled parting shot at newly-cemented Democrat frontrunner Joe Biden, McAfee snarked, ‘Do presidents go to the Ukraine and cut deals worth billions?’

And so the 2020 election has claimed its brightest star yet — a candidate who only wanted to bring normalcy back to the American presidency by resigning on his first day in office. McAfee represented the very best of American liberty and a spirit of outlaw-ism that has been sorely missing in our current American moment. He simply flew too close to the torch of the Statue of Liberty. McAfee’s presidential campaign took him from his compound headquarters, to a  Dominican Republic prison, to the farthest reaches of Europe. No doubt he was the most interesting candidate in the world. 

John McAfee, unbound by traditional campaign tactics and on the run from an overly oppressive bureaucratic deep state, was the last best hope for freedom loving Americans. He was disgusted at a broken two-party system, the current president’s reduction of the Oval Office to a Twitter feed, and an opposition party resorting to the communist tactics of Mao and Stalin. McAfee’s rebel spirit was untamed and unmatched.

‘It does not matter who the president is,’ McAfee told me when I reached out for comment about his decision to drop out of the race. ‘Our political system is like a car with a frozen steering wheel. It does not matter who is driving — it is going to go where it wants. I am no different from anyone else in my ability to drive an undriveable machine. All I can do is point to the fact that the entire political process is a charade.’

It was exactly this message that built up a mythical status around the bitcoin billionaire who would preach politics while creating mixed drinks in his kitchen while simultaneously on the run from the American Government. 

McAfee, like Bernie, is just another victim of an establishment coup. The Deep State and CIA, according to McAfee, have clearly found the candidate they believe they can control in Joe Biden, a man who is a spry 113 years old and clearly suffering from a form of mental degeneration

We get the government we deserve, and in the end, we did not deserve John McAfee. Too crazy to be elected, too rare to not be considered. Farewell, sweet prince. 2020 is a much duller election.

 


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