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Cockburn Humor

SCOOP: Kamala Harris’s jerk chicken recipe

Because authenticity is everything

May 13, 2019

2:23 PM

13 May 2019

2:23 PM

Cockburn couldn’t get home for Mother’s Day because he was on the campaign trail in Los Angeles, covering Kamala Harris. Harris’s chances of being America’s first Matriarch-in-Chief may be slimmer than Beto O’Rourke’s waistline, but she’s always been a mother to Cockburn. She invited him home, to join her and her husband Douglas ‘Doug’ Emhoff for a quiet Mother’s Day dinner — just them, Cockburn, their children, her campaign team, and a photographer.

‘Kamala, this is delicious,’ Cockburn said, masticating furiously over her jerk chicken as the juice ran down his chin. ‘You must give me the recipe.’

And she did:

*

Kamala Harris’ Famously Authentic & Spontaneous Jerk Chicken Marinade

This recipe has been in my family for generations since 2017. For this recipe you will need:

1 x Democratic party membership, jerked about by the DNC.

1 x female candidate of color.

1 x team of media advisers.

4 x fresh polls, all disappointing.

1 x husband willing to play along.

1 x white shirt

1 x apron (ironed)

1 x credulous public

On the morning of the day before Mother’s Day, send a campaign employee out to buy the chicken, the spices, a bottle of Hillary’s Hot Sauce, and a white apron.

In the late afternoon, smoke a doobie and listen to Snoop and 2pac. Then edge carefully into the kitchen. It’s the room with the refrigerator in it.

As you enter the kitchen, put on the white apron. Remember to take it out of the packaging first.

Facing the counter, take the smallest bowl you can find. It’s in the second cupboard on the left, if the cleaners haven’t gone and moved everything around again.

Place a food mixer on the counter. Then step well back and leave it alone for the rest of the evening.

Combine organic peanut oil with spices from a single spice jar, and then, stirring the class war gently, add the cheapest canola oil you can find.

Leave canola bottle to stand for the photo.

Now gently start to mix the spices and oil. Make sure to keep your poll numbers in single figures.

You should now have a spice mixture sufficient to cover one very small chicken thigh, enough for the whole family.

Adjust the level of spiciness to taste by tipping in plenty of Hillary’s Hot Sauce until your eyes water in disbelief.

To check, take a spoonful of the mixture and force it up your husband’s nostril. If he sneezes a big lump onto the sleeve of your shirt, you’re ready for the photo.

Do not attempt this at home.


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