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Cockburn

Keeping Up with the Conways

Do America’s most politically diverse family want less attention, or more?

August 24, 2020

2:37 PM

24 August 2020

2:37 PM

Late Sunday, the long-smoldering personal drama of the Conway family reached its climax. Claudia, the Conways’ 15-year-old daughter, announced her (possibly unserious) intention to seek emancipation from her parents, Trump advocate Kellyanne and Trump notvocate George:

What Claudia would do as a free and independent 15-year-old is unclear. Like a depressing number of her fellow teenagers, she may aspire to become a TikTok and Twitter influencer, unaware that her usefulness to the left will evaporate as soon as the Trump moment is over and her parents fade from public view.

As if 2020 wasn’t a strange enough year already, the loudest voice of reason responding to Claudia’s behavior was oddball Democratic presidential candidate Marianne Williamson:


If Claudia’s social media spree was intended as a cry for help, though, it may have worked. On Sunday night, both parents announced they would be stepping away from their highly-visibile political positions: George will depart Rick Wilson’s cringeworthy Lincoln Project operation, while Kellyanne will resign from the cringeworthy Trump White House. This gesture might have been more timely two months ago, when the Conway child started giving interviews and publicly humiliating her dad. Nevertheless, Cockburn wishes the Conways the best and hopes they can avoid letting America’s toxic politics destroy their family.

Still, Cockburn is skeptical that the three will be able to stay out of the spotlight for long, when all three clearly crave it so much. So maybe the alternative is to embrace it. Perhaps it is time for Casa Conway, America’s first inside-the-Beltway reality TV show. Cockburn is sure it could be a massive hit on E! or, failing that, Bravo. In fact, he has already dreamed the entire first season into being:

Casa Conway S1E1: Marianne Williamson comes to dinner to help the Conways resolve their conflicts. Drama ensues when George knocks her ‘unity crystal’ off the table and shatters it while she is out of the room. Claudia threatens to spill the beans while Kellyanne frantically searches for a replacement at Bed, Bath ’n’ Beyond.

Casa Conway S1E2: Claudia suffers a nervous breakdown when a spray-tan accident leaves her with the same hue as Captain Clementine himself. George and Kellyanne’s visit to a marriage counselor is derailed when George refuses to call Trump anything except ‘Impeachy McPeachface’.

Casa Conway S1E3: The judge in Claudia’s emancipation hearing is revealed to be a Trump appointee that she bashed on Twitter. George advises Rick Wilson on ill-considered lawsuits against Lincoln Logs, Ford’s Lincoln division, and Lincoln Chafee.

Casa Conway S1E4: Kellyanne suffers a mild stroke trying to justify a Trump tweet. Claudia pulls several facial muscles while trying to perfect her expression for Instagram selfies, and awkwardly ends up seeing the same physical therapist as Kellyanne.

Casa Conway S1E5: After President Trump calls her husband an ‘embarrassing cuck’ on Twitter, Kellyanne meets Jerry Falwell Jr in a Fox green room and learns far more about his personal life than she ever wanted to know. George is embarrassed when Claudia’s new YouTube account gets better viewers than his interview on MSNBC.

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Casa Conway S1E6: Claudia becomes the lead plaintiff in a lawsuit to overturn Trump’s TikTok ban, but hires the rival of George’s firm to represent her. George retaliates by going on Twitter and exposing Claudia’s secret crush on Parkland shooting survivor David Hogg.

Casa Conway S1E7-8: In a crossover double episode with Keeping up with the Kardashians, Caitlyn Jenner and Kellyanne compete in the finals of NRO’s ‘Hottest Women of the GOP’ pageant. Tensions rise and a fistfight breaks out in the green room, with the winner to be disclosed at the beginning of Season 2. Kellyanne is upset when George misses the swimsuit round because he loses track of time while hanging out on Rick Wilson’s boat with several interns. Khloe lectures Claudia on butt implants.


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