I woke up, thanked Allah for not letting the yahud across the street hypnotize me in my sleep, then crawled to the window and peeked over the sill. The black Volvo was gone. He must have got up early this morning, to stuff more money into the mouths of the other members of the Minnesota delegation. I got up, standing strong.

My husband gets the kids’ breakfast. He’s like a brother to me. Really. It’s in our faith tradition. His support gives me time to do more for my people. There’s so much to do when I get to my office, I barely have time to wipe my feet on the Israeli-flag doormat that members of my progressive and diverse community gave me when I won my House seat by defeating the yahud Phyllis Kahn and Mohamud Noor, who I now believe to be a yahud.

I stopped at Starbucks on the way to the Zionist Occupation Government for a soy chai latte, when I noticed that the barista was looking at me funnily again. Then I heard one of his co-workers call him ‘Ben’. I left without collecting my drink. In Somalia, people say that the Jews put drugs in soy products to make men grow breasts. That’s why many of the men in Occupied Palestine lactate. The Israeli soldiers milk them at checkpoints, and put the milk in their coffee. And we call Israel a democracy.

A pile of letters was waiting on my desk, messages of support because I’m standing strong against Jew money power. Some of the letters are from as far away as the German-speaking community in Argentina and the tribal regions of Afghanistan. There was even one from a proud Muslim activist in Vermont called Bernie. Many letters are also from Somali-Americans who have confessed to wanting to join ISIS, but who need my help so they can avoid prison, or who need to get married so they can come to the United States.

I reaffirm the problematic role of lobbyists in our politics. That’s why I accepted fundraising support from the Council on American-Islamic Relations, and why I recently campaigned for CAIR in California. Meanwhile, the Jews use their money to prevent Americans from knowing the truth about terrorism. But brave women like me, Rashida Tlaib, and David Duke aren’t afraid. That’s why, after al-Shabab murdered shoppers in Nairobi in 2013, I said that terrorist attacks are byproducts of the actions of our involvement in other people’s affairs. And you know who pays the US to get involved in other people’s affairs.

That’s also why in 2016 I was only one of two Minnesota state lawmakers to vote against a bill denying life insurance benefits to the beneficiaries of terrorists who have killed American citizens. These Somali-Americans were victims of systematic alienation, just like me, every time I go to work and Nancy Pelosi says, ‘Hey, Ilhan, help me out here. Take this money from the Jews before they harvest my organs.’

I almost chuckle when people still uphold Israel as a democracy in the Middle East. But I stop myself. The yahud are behind every rock and tree, and if they see me laughing, they will know that I have seen through their mind-control. My intention is never to offend my constituents or Jewish Americans as a whole. I only want to offend some of the Jewish Americans — the ones who control Congress, Hollywood, as well as Zionist propaganda outlets like MSNBC and the New York Times. 

Look what happened when I told the truth about the Covington boys when they attacked that proud Somali-American activist Nathan Phillips. Everybody knows that the students from the Jewish school of Covington were taunting five Black men before they surrounded Phillips and led racist chants. But then the Jews threatened to sue me for libel, using a lawyer with the Jewish name of Robert Barnes, who used to represent the Zionist actor Wesley Snipes. They forced me to delete my Tweet. But it is still standing strong in my heart, because I am a mom and intersectional feminist.

Everything that is wrong in the world is the fault of the United States, and because AIPAC controls the US government, everything is in fact the fault of the Jews. Just follow the money. Look at the names on the dollar bills: Benjamin Franklin, Abraham Lincoln, Alexander Hamilton (real name, Zender Himmelstein). Truly, the yahud have no shame. They even claim that evangelical Christians support them. May Allah awaken the people and see the evil doings of Israel.

I go to bed early, because I don’t want to be hypnotized by the TV. This what standing strong against Jewish money means. That’s why I boycott the State of Israel and its products, including drip irrigation, USB flash drives, and the board game Rummikub, which is a Mossad hypnosis device. Also no Ben Stiller movies, no Ben & Jerry’s, no Benny Hill, and especially no Ben Affleck, because he is a Zionist sleeper agent, and no Friends either. I’m lying strong.

Dominic Green is Life & Arts Editor of Spectator USA.