Toward the end of my latest YouTube livestream, I casually invited my subscribers to email me for a free life-enrichment consultation, subject to a moderate monthly donation to my PayPal account. Subsequently, my inbox has been literally inundated with more than several emails beseeching my guidance on every progressive topic under the sun. I’ve therefore decided it is my duty to reply to these poor souls, and simultaneously share my seemingly endless bounty of knowledge and wisdom with the readership of this publication.

So without further ado, dear reader, let us delve into your humble Woke Life correspondent’s mailbox to discover who is fortuitous enough to receive my progressive instruction.

From Devastated of Cleveland

Q.

For some time my husband of eight years has been hiding a secret from me. Six weeks ago he told me he enjoys wearing my clothes while I’m at work and that he believes he may actually be transgender. This has devastated me. We have three young children and the situation has become distressingly confusing for them.

Since telling me about his ‘true identity’, Simon has taken to wearing what can only be described as ‘stripper’s clothes’ around the house: short leather skirts, fishnet stockings and low-cut crop tops. When I comment on this he simply responds: ‘This is what an empowered woman looks like.’ Then he does this strange over-exaggerated feminine walk which I assume he thinks is sexy, but which really just looks like Jessica Rabbit having a stroke.

He insists that the children and I call him ‘Constansia’, which to my knowledge isn’t even a real name. He’s even talking about his desire to experience pregnancy and has been taking advice from a consultant at the dubiously named ‘Youtiful’ gender clinic he’s started going to, about the possibility of taking a drug that will enable his breasts to lactate. This is when I stumbled upon your livestream, and I decided to email you in the hope you might give me some advice on how to talk Simon out of this.

It’s all happened so fast. Believe me when I say I’ve always kept an open mind about this sort of thing. I genuinely feel people should be able to live their lives in whatever way makes them feel comfortable and valid, but I’m struggling here. I still love my husband but fear that his need to go through with a gender transition will destroy our marriage, as I cannot see myself accepting the quarterback I fell in love with in high school as a woman, sexually or mentally. This isn’t something I was ever prepared for. I’m at my wits’ end. I’ve hardly been sleeping, I can’t eat, I feel so alone…it’s hard to care for my children when I feel so depressed, and to make the situation even more complicated I found out last night that I am pregnant again. This is too much. The rest of my family lives in Europe and my friends won’t be able to comprehend this.

How can I save my marriage and ensure our children don’t grow up to resent their father? Please help!

A. Well, firstly I have to say: wow. I honestly don’t know where to begin. There’s so much to process here. The selfishness. The arrogance. The inhumane levels of intolerance in your story made me literally throw up. Seriously, can you and your children stop thinking of yourselves for one minute and at least make an attempt to understand this poor woman’s pain?

The horrifyingly casual way in which you misgender and deadname Constansia throughout your email is sickening. You talk about her urge to be her true self as if it were nothing but a depraved fetish. You know what is depraved? The selfish and inconsiderate way you’ve managed to get yourself pregnant knowing full well this is likely to give Constansia severe pregnancy-related dysphoria. I sincerely hope you won’t be self-centered enough to go through with it?

My advice would be for you to say nothing, terminate the fetus and give your wife the support she needs to deal with the emotional strain of her own simulated pregnancy. As a cis woman you have no idea how hard it is to pretend to carry a child and give birth and I hope for your sake you never have to face this challenge.

And as for the following line: ‘How can I ensure my children don’t resent their father?’ I mean…‘FATHER’?! HELLO? Your children have two mothers now, and the sooner you all get used to this, the sooner you’ll learn to accept that tolerance is a beautiful thing.

From Karen of Arlington

Q.

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for almost five years, and I thought I knew him until last week. I left our apartment that morning for work as usual (my BF has been working from home due to the COVID outbreak) and had only gotten as far as the parking lot when I realized I’d left my car keys on the kitchen table. When I reentered our apartment, I heard a disgustingly obscene sound coming from my BF’s laptop in our bedroom, which stopped me dead in my tracks. My BF was making a familiar breathy noise which absolutely sickened me. My stomach churned. I had no idea he was into that kind of thing. I felt so betrayed.

I burst into the room, and, sure enough, he was watching Tucker Carlson. His face froze mid-snigger as he realized he’d been caught. ‘It’s not what it looks like!’ he started to say, hastily closing the laptop lid, trying to hide his shame. ‘You were watching Fox News, and…you were…ENJOYING IT!’ I screamed at him. My eyes welled with tears and I ran out of there as fast as I could. I haven’t been back since. Please help me. I don’t know what to do.

A. Leave him.

From your good frend Prince Ntumbi

Q.

I am of very hope you can able to help me. My father who is very impotent King in Nigeria has dead which you can understnad is very sad for me and my famliy but he leave what is 14 million dollar for us in a securiyy bank account. Unfortunate my country is in dificult time and I cannot obtain to the funds until some months have pass. If you send me your bank account detail I will put 14 million monies into there and as a good frend will let you keep 8 million for you help but please hurry. Thank you.

A. Hello and jambo, Prince Ntumbi, sorry to hear about your father, but as someone who is anti-capitalist and working toward a socialist utopia, I do not have a bank account. However, I will reply to your email with my PayPal details (please make sure to select ‘Friends and Family’ when making the payment otherwise the tax man will be at my heels!)

This article was originally published in The Spectator’s December 2020 US edition.