Last week I was suspended from Twitter and subsequently plummeted headlong into a deep depression. What would I do with my life now? At first there was a little solace in the fact that Titania had also had her account deactivated, but then she got hers back and has been crowing over it ever since. Just goes to show, trans women are the most targeted and vulnerable people in society today. On Saturday morning, having spent the past few days feeling oppressed and marginalized, I decided I needed a pick-me-up and headed out to treat myself to a detoxifying smoothie from Floozy Suzie’s Juice Bar. Floozy is a friend of mine from uni who works as a drag queen by night and pulped superfood vendor by day.

As I sat in a window seat sipping my lemon, banana, turmeric, and cucumber ice-shake (known as the ‘Chakra Cleanse’ and an absolute bargain at just £15, or $19, a glass), I found myself shivering. It had started to rain outside, and the wind was picking up. I remember there had been storms forecast this weekend. I quickly downed my smoothie, wanting to get home before the weather got any worse — big mistake. I was rewarded with an instant migraine. I left Floozy’s feeling terrible and made my way home in no doubt that the smoothie contained pure goodness. I only wish it hadn’t been so cold. It was then, as literal lightning forked across the sky, I had the most amazing idea! Hot smoothies! YES! Good lord, why had nobody ever thought of this?

I decided to experiment! My piping-hot smoothies would be 100 percent vegan, 100 percent organic, and 100 percent original! Instead of using a combination of fruit and vegetables, I would use only the latter to give mine a unique taste. On the way home I took a detour via the organic vegan whole-foods market, a marvelous place where you can buy fruit and vegetables at a reassuringly expensive 350 percent mark-up price. For a mere £53 (around $70) I was able to purchase a small bag of carrots, some kale, spinach, sweet potatoes, onions, some canned garden peas, a cup of lentils, a sprig of parsley and a vegetable stock cube. I hurried home, eager to turn my idea into a nutritious success.

After a couple of attempts (apparently you cannot simply microwave vegetables on a plate), I perfected my recipe and decided to share it with the world. This is my gift to you all. (Jack Dorsey, if you are reading this, please take note that I am obviously a very caring and altruistic person and I deserve to have my Twitter account reinstated).

Jarvis’s Chunky Vegetable Vegan Smoothie Recipe


Vegetables (make sure they’re vegan ones)
Some water (I used elderflower spring water but I imagine the stuff that comes out of your tap would do just as well)
Parsley, or any herb really they’re all the same
A vegetable stock cube


  1. Put the water in a big pan and set it to boil by applying heat to the base (a stove is the best way to achieve this, radiators do not get hot enough)
  2. Chop the vegetables into small pieces (some of them need to be removed from their packaging and ‘peeled’)
  3. Apply plasters to any injuries you may have sustained (if the bleeding won’t stop call an ambulance)
  4. Add the parsley (to the pan, not your injuries)
  5. Put the vegetables into the pan of boiling water and crumble in the stock cube (be sure to remove the foil)
  6. Lower the heat and leave them to bubble away for around 40 minutes (don’t do what I did the first time and leave them for an entire day, terrible mess)
  7. Remove the pan from the stove

Now at this point in the proceedings, I realized I didn’t own a smoothie maker or indeed any kind of blender, so I had to make do with a potato masher and hence the decision for my smoothie to have a more rustic consistency was entirely accidental!

Serve and enjoy!

At first I attempted to drink it through a straw but a rogue pea scuppered this method, and so I find a spoon is probably the best way to partake of my brave new addition to the smoothie universe!