I have been literally shaking for the past 24 hours since hearing that Boris Johnson has decided to suspend Parliament until a few days before Britain leaves the EU. By doing this, he is effectively preventing the opposition from blocking a no deal Brexit. Myself and my fellow Remainers who have been fearlessly campaigning for the past three years to get the result of the 2016 EU referendum reversed, signing petitions requesting a second referendum in which we could vote correctly this time, going around social media telling Leave voters how stupid and racist they are, and generally attempting to derail Brexit by any means possible…are utterly STUNNED at how blatantly Boris Johnson so obviously despises democracy.

Imagine if you will, that Donald Trump has said he wants to turn all of Mexico into a giant golf course and that in order to do this he plans to put its citizens onto a huge raft and float it out into the South Pacific saying that they can fend for themselves, providing the Mexicans with 20 slingshots between them as a means to catch seagulls and fish so that they can feed their children. Trump announces on Twitter that he will enact this despicable plan in 14 days so long as there are no objections. Obviously, Congress would be furious and would do everything in their power to prevent him from executing his abominable scheme, but Orange Bad Man has locked the door of the Capitol Building using a super strong padlock that can only be removed with the tiniest key in the world, and of course Trump’s miniature hands are the only ones capable of wielding it. He then puts up a big sign on the entrance saying: ‘CLOSED FOR 2 WEEKS’, and then gleefully skips away to smash puppies’ heads with a big mallet or whatever it is he does in his spare time.

Well, dear reader…that scenario as I have described it, is LITERALLY what Boris Johnson has done over here in the UK (minus most of the details etc). Horrifying isn’t it?

I hoped that the Queen would step in and intervene: she is a woman after all and as such would surely show compassion towards her subjects by imprisoning Boris in the Tower for treason while he waits miserably for his beheading. Sadly though, she acquiesced to his request, which is a terrifying glimpse into how misogynistic this country has become. Even the Queen feels obliged to submit to the whims of a privileged white male, no matter how monstrous his intentions. If Cate Blanchett’s version of Queen Elizabeth was still ruling our country, things would be a LOT different, let me tell you.

Yesterday I took to the streets with a bunch of chums to protest this horrific attack on the democracy we have suddenly grown to love. For ages, I thought democracy was something bad. After all, it allowed old people to vote to destroy our future while they happily die, laughing at what they hath wrought upon us. Democracy is responsible for Donald Trump being in the White House. Democracy gives uneducated people a chance to make terrible choices the rest of us are forced to endure. I have spent the past three years telling everyone I know that democracy is a dangerous thing when given to people I personally disagree with. But now that Boris Johnson has done this, by Neptune’s Trident, I shall fight for my fellow Remainers’ right to democracy with my dying breath. Then once I have succeeded (the dying thing was merely a metaphor btw), I shall go back to signing petitions in order to reverse Brexit and ban anyone over 35 from having the vote.