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A message from the NYC tourist board: visit Nightmare City!

Courtesy of your guide Chadwick Moore

June 26, 2020

3:42 PM

26 June 2020

3:42 PM

The New York City Board of Tourism would like to encourage all Americans to consider spending their summer vacation in Ghostly New York, the Nightmare Capital of the World!

Come for our world-renowned shuttered restaurants, our extinct nightlife, our empty theaters, and closed museums. Stay because you got murdered by an antifa activist!

The Rotting Apple still offers the world’s most unique shopping experience. See something in that Macy’s window that catches your eye? Just throw a brick and take it — we’ll even supply pallets of official I ❤️ NY bricks outside your favorite retailers. Take one home as a souvenir!

For all you senior citizens out there, Gov. Cuomo invites you to an exclusive tour of our COVID-19 hospital wards so you can see New York’s hero-nurses in action, no PPE required, followed by a complimentary bat soup luncheon. 


Visitors to Fear City in the summer of 2020 will also find that during the coronavirus lockdown, graffiti has returned to our buildings and subways. The region’s majestic and docile homeless population now peacefully roam our streets undisturbed. You might even catch a glimpse of starving rat colonies raging a turf war. Here in the City of Dreams, nature is healing.

The City That Never Sleeps is the perfect destination for night owls. Across the five boroughs, every night all night long you can enjoy the maddening chorus of illegal fireworks, lighting up the night sky and making your building quake. It’s a nightly reminder of our newfound blitzkrieg mentality, frenetic civil unrest and complete lawlessness. 

Comic book fans and angry white men, if you loved the movie Joker, come experience the real thing! We’ve got mobs and civil decay that’ll put any dystopian Hollywood film to shame. 

Hate cops? So do we! If you spot one of our Baddies in Blue be sure to say something that makes him feel really bad about himself, then tag your video with #PiggyPiggyOinkOink and we’ll share it across our social media platforms. 

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When you’re not wandering our empty streets in a daze, or being harassed to wear a mask by our internationally famous stock of neurotic, insufferable Karens, come to Central Park and join in on an old fashioned Statue Pull, ropes and harness supplied courtesy of the New York City Bureau of Love, Truth, and Tolerance. 

New York, an island cesspool off the coast of America, would like to remind our neighbors who live in the nation across the Hudson River, that we are better than you, we fucking hate you and we always will, but we still desperately need those tourism dollars, now more than ever. Unfortunately, due to the coronavirus, New York will be operating a no returns policy — including of the virus itself, which you probably got from someone who passed through here.

This invitation also does not extend to residents of Florida or Texas, who are not welcome here, because we are very jealous of them. But then again, why the hell would they want to come anyway?


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