Over the past few hours I’ve been forced to endure the ignorance of regressive ‘logic’ on the television, in newspapers, magazines and across social media platforms: ‘Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have had a baby boy!’ If I went into detail about how many ways that sentence is incorrect, I’d need to write a novel the length of which would rival Tolstoy’s War and Peace. For the more progressive thinkers out there, no explanation is necessary and so this article is for you alone. Anyone who believes that men have penises and womyn have vaginas should close this browser window, leave their house, travel to the nearest coastal town and throw themselves into the sea. I ain’t got no time to waste imparting my wisdom on y’all intolerant TERFs [editor: please place the nail-varnish emoji here to signify how much sass my previous statement is exuding]. 💅
So, moving on to more pressing matters; the child’s name. One newspaper indicated that Meghan and Harry could be leaning towards an unusual name that pays tribute to both US and UK history (according to a royal expert). If this is to be the case, I have the following suggestions:
Black Panther was a box-office hit in both the States and over here in the UK and so I think it would serve as a suitable reminder of how these two nations’ squalid history of colonialism was subverted by a mythical sub-Saharan nation who powered their technology by the use of magic crystals or something (I’ve not seen the movie myself, but I know it’s AMAZING). The name would always be displayed in capital letters to signify the strength and endurance of the WAKANDAN people. Vocally this would be made known by shouting it at an agreed minimum level of decibels. This name could be given even higher status by the addition of the middle-name ‘FOREVER’.
Giving the child a name in the form of a powerful climate-change-awareness hashtag is both modern and useful to the cause. Imagine how much publicity the child will generate towards the current climate crisis whenever featured in the media.
This may be an obvious choice, but what better way of paying tribute to the woman who was loved the world over as the ‘Princess of Hearts’? (Fun fact: coincidentally, in real life, Diana Princess of Hearts was Harry’s mother!)
4. J.K. Rowling Jr
‘J.K. Rowling Jr’ would be a fitting name for an enlightened Ameribritish Royal because as we all know, Rowling’s books have united the US and the UK more than their hatred of Professor Umbridge united the members of Dumbledore’s Army (sound familiar, fellow Never-Trumpers?). Not only that, J.K. Rowling is the most progressive writer of our age. The way she has been able retrospectively woke-up her characters is inspirational. We now know that Dumbledore is gay even though his sexuality was never mentioned in any of the books. We know now that Hermione is very possibly black, despite the fact Rowling described her as having a pallid complexion in the books and being played by a white actress in all the movies. It’s also rumored that Dobby the house elf is transgender and Voldermort was a vegan yoga instructor in his spare time. This is in no way Rowling taking advantage of progressive trends in order to keep people interested in her work, so back off haters.
Finally, my preferred option is this:
4. Name TBA
I believe that the royal youthbot should be able to choose their own name when the time comes. In the meantime, Name TBA can be free to become whatever they wish. Not restricted by the old-fashioned authoritarian ritual of ‘naming’. The arrogance of parents astounds me. Assigning gender to a child is not enough, they must also control every aspect of a baby’s life; when it eats, when/where it sleeps, the clothes it wears and so on. I believe that when a youngling is birthed, it should be cast out into the world to fend for itself, make its own decisions and decide its own fate. The parents never waited for consent before thrusting the crushing responsibility of life on their embryo. The words ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ echo across the planet, spoken by teenagers who have finally woken up to parental selfishness.
Parents: stop naming children, it’s degrading.