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My speech to the UN, by Matilda Olofsson

(If I had been allowed to give a speech to the UN)

September 23, 2019

4:46 PM

23 September 2019

4:46 PM

While Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old climate activist, gave her speech at the UN Climate Summit today, I was being ruthlessly manhandled into a taxi by my parents after a failed attempt to once more sabotage her mission.

Greta has long been a foe of mine ever since she messed with my plans to wreak havoc by insisting that my school take part in a strike for climate change awareness. From that day forth I swore vengeance. For every positive eco-friendly change Greta introduces, I have dedicated my time to balancing it out with an equally negative action.

Unfortunately my attempt to counteract her latest stunt of sailing to New York in a carbon neutral eco-yacht ended in disaster. The oil tanker, Greta’s Downfall, went on fire halfway across the North Sea and after Uncle Jörgen had evacuated his bowels, we both evacuated the vessel, setting off flares as we dived off the side which thankfully alerted a nearby herring trawler).

When I heard Greta was to make a scathing speech at the United Nations this Monday, I was determined to make a devastating speech of my own to offset her sanctimonious babble. Using the last of his redundancy package from the Gustaf Ericssons Automobilfabrik factory, Uncle Jörgen booked us some tickets for New York, (making sure that the seats of the plane we were flying in would be at no more than half-capacity for extra effectiveness) and after telling my parents I was sleeping over at my friend’s house, we set off. Unfortunately, a mere hour after I left, my parents remembered that I have no friends and so they set off in pursuit.

As Uncle Jörgen and I approached the entrance to the General Assembly Hall at the UN Headquarters, my speech in hand…my mother dived out from behind a yucca plant and rugby-tackled me to the floor. I struggled  but it was to no avail because my mother had been a shot-putter for the 1980 Swedish Olympic team. I raised my head to see Uncle Jörgen in a headlock as my father wrestled him out of the building. Dammit.

I sit here, typing this article in a taxi cab on my way back to the airport…the UN may have been denied my wisdom, but the world will see my speech. Here is the transcript in full:

‘Dear idiots. You have been moved to tears by Greta’s stupid words because none of you are intelligent enough to realize that she is merely a puppet…[pause for effect] and when I say ‘puppet’, I mean literally a puppet [pause once more to look knowing and smug] Yes. ‘Greta’ is a doll, made of sackcloth and stuffed with used diapers [I pull off Greta’s head to prove this theory which I have had for some time now, ever since I saw her on CNN and I could clearly see raggedy stitches underneath her chin. Of course, the audience would gasp as the soiled diapers rained out of the empty sack with buttons for eyes, and I would continue.] Haha! Witness how you have all been manipulated. Have none of you seen Child’s Play, or Annabelle, or Annabelle The Creation which in my opinion is the superior film and possibly even better than The Conjuring 2? Yes, foolish imbeciles, this ‘Greta’ doll was possessed by the spirit of Umbagoogoo, Master of Japes and False Prophecies, here to cause mischief and mayhem among the gullible [I point to the crowd because I’m talking about them]. But fear no more for I have vanquished Him! [at this point I’m hoping a sinister, unearthly phantom escapes from the neck of ‘Greta’ in a really impressive way, because to be honest, if that doesn’t happen I’ve got nothing here]. So you see, climate change was a myth. The Greta doll stole my childhood and I will not forgive her. [I stamp on the now incumbent piece of sackcloth to display my anger and the audience go wild for a full 15 minutes because I am so awesome].

My parents may have foiled my latest plan, but mark me, I shall unmask Greta one day for what she really is and the world shall rain tears of gratitude. Until that day, sleep well Greta., While you still can…[ominous laugh that goes on for ages until you feel really uncomfortable].

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