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Why I support Greta Thunberg in her fight against COVID-19

As soon as the crisis is over, we can get back to wrecking the planet. I can’t wait

My name is Matilda Olofsson and I am Greta Thunberg’s arch-nemesis. For every positive action her climate activism encourages, I have taken it upon myself to cause an equally negative reaction. For example, when Greta challenged world leaders to address the issue of reducing carbon emissions with her famous ‘HOW DARE YOU?’ speech, I marched straight down to my local park and chastised a bunch of kids for riding around on push bikes when limousines exist.

So naturally, when I heard of Greta’s inclusion on a CNN coronavirus ‘facts and fears’ panel I was livid. My first instinct was to call my Uncle Jörgen and instruct him to throw his hand sanitizer out of his apartment window, lick every door knob in his building, and go outside and cough on as many people with underlying health conditions as he could find. Thankfully, a nagging feeling of doubt stayed my hand, and I realized that a percentage of the population dying in hospital beds isn’t nearly as dramatic as seeing the world burn from various climate catastrophes, and I decided that for once, I would call a truce. The Day After Tomorrow will become a reality on my watch.

Many people have been confused as to the reason behind climate activist Greta’s participation in an event centered on a global pandemic and featuring a team of experts and epidemiologists. Personally, after witnessing the backlash against her, I can see the logic. Greta herself has endured constant exposure to a pernicious disease for the past two years: climate skepticism. Perhaps you have misunderstood me and would label me a skeptic. This would be a false assumption. I listen to Greta, and when she talks of us dying out in a matter of a few years, I believe her…and I am excited. I want Greta to fail because the destruction of mankind is my aim. I want to see my future burn. Well, that and being able to publicly unmask her for what she really is (which is another story – read my UN piece for the horrific details).

Climate skeptics on the other hand, are a different threat entirely. Like a virus, they attack the central nervous system of any activist’s core beliefs. They spread their cynicism and agnosticism of the Great Climate Religion among the masses. They care not one bit for hand-washing or mask-wearing. They proudly cough and splutter their doubt over all that care to pay heed, their faulty conjectures that multiply at an alarming rate. The only PPE they don are tinfoil hats, which as we all know from watching Signs, offer no protection against any tangible threat (apart from maybe mildly sinister alien lifeforms, the movie wasn’t terribly clear on that to be honest). So you see, Greta has a whole host of valuable experience regarding undesirable pathogens and their ability to replicate and cause havoc.

I myself am fully onboard the climate change ideology train. I just happen to be a stowaway, holding a wrench, preparing to derail Greta’s carriage at the most opportune moment. That moment however is not now. I will bide my time a little longer. For now, I will support Greta in her fight against COVID-19. I feel certain she is more than capable of shouting it into oblivion: ‘HOW DARE YOU INFECT MY CHILDHOOD WITH YOUR ATTACKS ON THE IMMUNE SYSTEMS OF THE SELFISH ELDERLY?’

After all, from my point of view this global pandemic has given Greta precisely what she wanted. Schools are closed. There are less cars on the roads. Flights have been canceled. People are miserable. The world economy is taking a huge hit, and unemployment levels are through the roof. Truly, the coronavirus pandemic has been a gift for Greta. This will not do. A vaccine must be found as soon as possible so that we can put an end to this horrific outbreak of eco-friendliness and get back to destroying the planet.

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