Yesterday Twitter announced it was making some big changes, promising us a ‘whole new Twitter’. They put out the following statement on everyone’s timeline:

‘New features and a new look are launching soon. Bookmarks, account switching, dark mode, and so much more — before long, you’ll be able to see what’s happening even faster.’

I must say after reading their proposed ‘changes’, I’m not terribly excited by this rather moribund list of ‘new features’ and so I have taken the liberty of proposing some changes that will actually benefit its user base.

  1. Twitter to provide a ‘Problematic Content Warning’ icon which is automatically added to the beginning of tweets which may cause upset to people based on an algorithm which is designed to detect pre-agreed microaggressions.
  2. Much like the ‘Mute words’ function, I propose adding the ability to replace triggering words or sentences with less offensive content. For example, hate speech such as; ‘Your opinion is wrong’ could appear to the user as ‘Your opinion is kittens’ – alongside a pleasing image of a basket filled with fluffy kittens. 
  3. Users should be able to publicly voice opinions without fear of having them challenged or mocked (unless said opinions are problematic, in which case an immediate suspension is enacted).
  4. If a person posting tweets containing Politically Correct views is challenged by a number of wrongthinking trolls (who have somehow managed to evade suspension), simply typing the phrase ‘my mentions right now’ should automatically initiate a lockdown on all accounts attacking the user (in addition to this, Twitter would filter the mentions of the OP for negative and hateful terms such as ‘LOL’ or ‘ur dumb’ and automatically post sassyblackwoman.gif in response). 
  5. Any user suspected of creating memes in order to mock or ridicule sensitive issues should be automatically doxed by the @TwitterSafety account, and details of their vile behavior sent to both their employer and the police. 
  6. User searches to be monitored for problematic words/username searching and suspended accordingly, eg: searching for ‘free speech’ or ‘James Woods’ will terminate an account. 
  7. Along with the ‘Who to Follow’ section, Twitter to introduce a new ‘Who to Mute or Block’ suggestion list which includes anyone who insists on valuing ‘facts’ over feelings. Ben Shapiro is at the top of this list. 
  8. All People of Color automatically gain 1,000 followers when they join Twitter in order to rectify their relative disparity of privilege. In addition to this, every BAME minority shall also have a 560-character limit on their tweets to make up for their lack of representation in the wider media.  
  9. All cis white men to lose their verification status, along with half their followers, and by default will have their tweets protected. Too long have they dominated conversation, it’s about time we ended this. 
  10. The accounts of LGBTTQQIAAP individuals to be awarded a rainbow emoji as a verification badge to symbolize how God damn fabulous they are.  

I look forward to these new features being implemented ASAP. We cannot continue to live in a world where people are expected to take responsibility for their own feelings. Instead of being forced to deal with hateful words, it’s far more logical to prevent anyone from ever saying hateful things. I have every confidence that strict regulation of speech and thought by the likes of Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg will lead to nothing but good things in our online society… and after all, who knows more about The Healthy Conversation than an enlightened group of software developers in Silicon Valley?