Jackie Kennedy oversaw a restoration of the White House and transformed the First Residence into a museum of American art and history. She also arranged for the Mona Lisa to tour America (a move that caused riots in Paris). Betty Ford, candid about her struggle with drugs and alcohol, established the nation’s preeminent addiction treatment center. Rosalynn Carter attended cabinet meetings and was the president’s emissary to Latin America and Melania Trump is a paragon of grace, elegance and style for American women to admire.
But it’s time to step aside, First Ladies, because there’s a big, goofy, gay nerd coming through and his name is Chasten Buttigieg. In recent weeks, the 29-year-old husband of Democrat presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg seized the hearts of journalists through his Twitter account, which has 271,000 followers, where BuzzFeed reporters and other Peter Pans discovered a potential future occupant of the East Wing who is exactly like them: a zany manchild obsessed with eating, Harry Potter, and cute animals.
‘Quite literally, if the relentlessly upbeat potential first spouse ever took a social media break I think I would spiral into a pit of despair,’ an ELLE magazine eunuch wrote of Chasten. ‘…the Twitter account of Chasten Buttigieg…is the only thing keeping me going during this election.’
The cheery homosexual with the chiclet smile and round glasses has real-life, relatable, white girl problems, just like journalists. Starbucks employees routinely misspell his name (OMG LOL FML!), people on airplanes can be annoying, Lady Gaga moves him to tears, and ice cream is life’s greatest comfort. In fact, in the last month, Chasten has tweeted about ice cream seven times.
When Chasten, a theater major and former middle school teacher, announced via Twitter that his husband is a Hufflepuff, journalists ran to their keyboards. If you were in Brooklyn and listened closely, you could hear a collective lovelorn sigh wafting over the rooftops. Don’t know what a Hufflepuff is? Good, that means you’re an adult.
I need to apologize. Seems I made a mistake and wasn’t as clear as I could’ve been with an earlier tweet. I just want to be as transparent as possible. So, I’ll try again.
I, too, am a Hufflepuff. 🦡
— Chasten Buttigieg (@Chasten) March 18, 2019
Like many lonely, childless people, Chasten’s greatest social media preoccupation, aside from fawning over his husband, is his dogs. Seemingly inspired by the ancient I CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER meme, Chasten created an entire Twitter account for the two creatures he calls ‘doggos’ (@FirstDogsSB, 57,000 followers), where users will find tweets like, ‘SAMON TREETS TASTES LIKE FISH’ and ‘there are chiken bones in the garbag but dad sez no no no so i just lick the can but he sez no no no wt french bull’
there are chiken bones in the garbag but dad sez no no no so i just lick the can but he sez no no no wt french bull
— truman and buddy buttigieg (@firstdogsSB) March 21, 2019
On his own account, Chasten even daydreamed about BuzzFeed crapping out a quiz related to his dogs, named Truman and Buddy. BuzzFeed quickly took notice and unveiled (drumroll, please): ‘Which Of The Buttigieg Dogs Are You?’
However, in typical BuzzFeed fashion, no one did their research and a completely fabricated piece of content was published. Luckily Chasten was on it and leaped to action. The quiz now comes with an note at the bottom,
‘This quiz has been updated to more accurately reflect the personalities of Truman and Buddy Buttigieg. BuzzFeed sincerely thanks Chasten for his notes.’
As a fellow gay man, it’s dreadful to watch homosexuals embarrass themselves in such a way. Not only is Chasten a terrible role model, but the Buttigiegs are exactly the sort of gays the Democrats, media, and LGBT lobby hand-pick to thrust before the public. They are completely sexless, uninteresting, and non-threatening. Basically, like no homosexual I’ve ever met, or would want to meet.
What might Americans expect from a First Lady Chasten? Aside from possibly chasing Pokémons on the South Lawn, ugly Christmas sweater-themed holiday receptions, ordering PB&Js from the White House chef, and marathon screenings of Stranger Things, Chasten says he wants to focus his attention on public schools and arts education.
Unfortunately, Twitter and the dogs will be coming along as well.