Come on, guys, we all know that Mayor Pete doesn’t come out on top, no matter what the internet says. The dwarf from South Bend is already claiming victory in the disastrous Iowa caucus debacle, but there is absolutely no way Mayor Pete is a viable candidate for the Democratic party for one glaring reason: blacks.

Mayor Pete doesn’t even register on polls among black Democrats. That’s 0 percent support. In order to show how down with the struggle Mayor Pete is, he’s posed for the cameras with fried chicken and Al Sharpton, drank malt liquor from a brown paper bag on the streets of Inwood, attended black churches in the Carolinas, and sent out surveys to his staff about microaggressions. White people were prohibited from filling out the survey. But black people still aren’t buying what Mayor Pete is selling.

His offensive and egregious pandering, which only shows how truly out-of-touch he is with the actual realities and struggles of the black community, reached its zenith last night. He staged a scene at campaign HQ stacking the entire front row of the crowd with the only five black people he could find, putting a woman wearing some sort of African-inspired, flowy garb and a headscarf standing the ‘Pete 2020’ podium. Back of the bus for you, whites.


It doesn’t get more racist and grislier than Mayor Pete’s push for black votes. He thinks black people are stupid. He thinks he can con them with actors and photo ops. If he was in touch with blacks at all, he’d be able to talk about his record in South Bend, which has a large and decimated black community and where nothing improved under his watch. It would have been remarkable if Pete turned around black decay as mayor. He’d be the only Democrat in history to have done so, and it would make him worthy of a White House bid, or at least some national attention. Instead, his sex life is the only reason we know his name. And blacks still aren’t buying it.

The reason is probably one that Democrats might find distressing. According to one Georgia State University researcher, somewhere between 60 and 75 percent of blacks think homosexuality is wrong. By comparison, only 59 percent of Republicans think the same: I’m one of them and I’m gay.

The black population of Iowa is 3.4 percent. It’s one of the whitest places in the country. And even white Iowa Democrats aren’t so onboard with Pete’s lifestyle choice. In a viral video from caucus night, one Iowan who cast her ballot for Pete had no clue he was homosexual. She then asked for her vote back.

‘He’s married to a man?’ the incredulous, ruddy ol’ gal says in the video. ‘Then I don’t want anybody like that in the White House.’

That a Democrat could be so homophobic left the internet scratching its head, but, hey, that’s Iowa. It’s not necessarily  that blacks tend to be vastly more homophobic than whites (I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, really). It could be that Mayor Pete is about as lily-white as any man in America. He’s whiter than Obama. I predicted that Mayor Pete would do well in Iowa, but nowhere else. It’s the basic fact he’s got white, Midwestern appeal, being from Indiana. Midwesterners tend to be awkward around outsiders, especially people from the coasts, like Warren, who has New England Yankee dripping from her pores after spending the second half of her life there. Biden, on the other hand, is a really good actor, like his former boss Obama, and masters the hometown, folksy thing and for that reason I thought he’d also do well in Iowa. I was wrong there.

At least after this mess is over, we’ll have a new verb: to Buttigieg. It means pulling off a bizarre victory under highly suspicious circumstances, then getting completely annihilated.