regular column by an anonymous whistleblower operating deep within the heart of the Social Justice Movement. To protect their identity, they will go under the code-name ‘They/Them’. Wokeyleaks is a confidential news-leak organization for anyone who wishes to divulge classified information (and hilarious anecdotes) about woke culture without fear of getting canceled.

Eat your heart out Edward Snowden — Wokeyleaks has a mole inside the British security establishment. It turns out that the people whose job it is to protect the UK are spending most of their time protecting employees from ‘harmful language’.

Isn’t it reassuring to know that, in a society increasingly obsessed with policing thought, spies with a track record of hacking people’s personal computers have fully signed up to cancel culture?

Our mole is no establishment scion nostalgic for the ‘good old days’. He is not white. He is from a disadvantaged background and he secured his job at the elite organization with nothing but hard work and natural ability. And what did our source find when he finally made it to the prestigious role? In his words: ‘A lot of middle-class white people lecturing me on how I should feel racism.’ One of his colleagues (a white person) has ‘whiteness is the problem’ under her pronouns in her email signature.

The main impression I took away from my chat with this brave Edward Snowflake is just how oppressive the office atmosphere sounds in Spooksville. In a karmic twist that would be funny if it weren’t so sinister, the very people who intrusively snoop on us are apparently now so terrified of expressing a thought crime that they constantly look over their shoulders as they chat in hushed tones around the water cooler. Our source reveals that he was pulled up and admonished for sexism by a more senior colleague who overheard him referring to himself as ‘a man’s man’ during a private conversation.

In another instance of wrongspeak for which our Edward Snowflake was admonished, he was overheard saying that he likes a ‘women who can cook.’ This last example of ‘hate speech’ was in fact not a sexist comment inferring that he likes domesticated women, but rather that he likes to date women with shared interests as he himself is a passionate cook. But in this era of woke fervor we’ve all been lathered into such a state of paranoia at the presence of possible prejudice that almost everything is sexist/racist/homophobic/ableist/etc until proven otherwise.

It’s shocking how those who uphold this constant politically correct invigilation can’t see how incredibly condescending it is. It is the hegemony of the cultural elites, the unspoken etiquette of the urbane dinner party formally codified. Woe betide any working class office colleague, unschooled in the arcane knowledge of how to comport oneself in ‘polite company’.

Our Wokeyleaker tells me that he grew up in the cheek-by-jowl multiculturalism of urban Britain that the middle classes love to eulogize but rarely experience.

He talks of a rough-and-tumble familiarity between himself and his diverse group of friends outside work, mocking each other in that peculiarly British way that actually infers affection. Sometimes this abrasive camaraderie touches on race. It is not racist, quite the opposite. Yet it is these sorts of ‘ill-bred’ manners that send highly-strung cultural elites into paroxysms.

Why must they impose their paranoia on others? The atmosphere in the office is so awkward, our mole tells us, that white people are even afraid to talk about race in front of him, unless of course it’s to criticize whiteness. ‘People are too scared to even refer to someone as black or brown, but they will performatively tell me that they didn’t like a film because it was too white — as if it’s for my benefit.’

As patronizing and annoying as all this must be for our source, he identifies much more serious implications. ‘People are now being hired into the police and other institutions solely on the basis of their sexuality, race or gender and not their competence. This could put lives in danger. Apart from anything else, there is so much money being wasted on training people to spot microaggressions that could be spent on spotting violent criminality and terrorism.’

It seems that the British security establishment is the latest institution that has fallen victim to the insidious ideology of critical race theory (CRT), which assumes that literally everybody in society obsesses and discriminates over race in the same way as the extremists that dreamt it up. The press and our Wokeyleaks inbox are full of stories in which CRT has divided communities in schools and offices by literally segregating parents and colleagues into their racial groups.

Our brave Edward Snowflake is of course aware that racism exists. He’s experienced it many times. But when I ask him how we solve racial divisions in society he quotes Morgan Freeman: ‘Stop talking about it.’ This idea infuriates the critical race theorists whose entire business model is based on talking about race as much as humanly possible, no matter the damage to society.

Keep leaking your stories to wokeyleaks@protonmail.com. Follow us on Twitter at @wearewokeyleaks