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White men: Captain Marvel is not for you

…although, if you fail to give it positive reviews, you are vile misogynists

March 14, 2019

12:36 PM

14 March 2019

12:36 PM

Captain Marvel is a triumph. Finally, we have a female superhero! This is progress. This is new. This is fresh. This is terrifying men all over the planet. Not since Ghostbusters 2016 has a movie featured such a strong female lead. I literally cannot think of ONE other comic book-based movie which has a woman in the title role. I wonder why this is? Oh, I know, it’s because Hollywood hates women.

The star of the movie, Brie Larson is also a superhero in real life. She bravely spoke out about the negative reviews A Wrinkly Time received, stating that too many white men had seen it. Now, as a black woman, I watched that film with tears in my eyes. When I saw the 200ft tall Oprah Winfrey preaching to those kids like Disney’s version of Jesus while dressed as Ru Paul after an altercation with a shopping trolley, I knew this was the best movie ever made.

Oprah Winfrey in A Wrinkly Time

So why does it only get 42 percent on Rotten Tomatoes? Simple, because 100 percent of reviews are written by white men and only 42 percent of them are woke enough to accept that Oprah may just be the Second Coming (I personally have suspected this for some time and have written several pamphlets on the subject).

Now we have Captain Marvel, and with it comes the predictable slurry of misogynistic manbabies all crawling out of their mom’s basements to review-bomb it into oblivion. I knew this was going to happen, literally HANDFULS of these vile men have given this movie average to less-than-average ratings all over the internet. Once again, a woman is being attacked by at least a couple of hundred jeering, patronizing, patriarchal, Dorito-munching comic book nerds who are going out of their way to write appallingly sexist comments such as: ‘While definitely not the worst Marvel film I have seen so far, I cannot say it’s among the best’ and: ‘Captain Marvel isn’t quite up there with Thor: Ragnarok or Avengers: Infinity War, but it certainly manages to hold its own in the Marvel universe’. I mean, have you ever read anything so abusive? To top it all, it gets a mere 79 percent on Rotten Tomatoes, when Avengers: Infinity War gets a suspiciously positive 85 percent. Obviously because that movie has a lot of men in it.

This is what women have to deal with every day. This is the reality of being a woman in the public eye, and it must stop. I propose that all movie review websites ignore the reviews submitted by white men and give every female-led movie a 100 percent or 10/10 rating across the board. At least then, we’ll know the scores are in no way corrupted by abhorrent and vindictive male terrorists, who refuse to acknowledge that a movie can be good regardless of the script, casting, special effects, direction, cinematography, subject-matter, ideological themes, character development, plot, atmosphere, soundtrack or whether it’s entertaining. All of these expectations are oppressive and ignorant. We need to change the way we watch movies.

I know that Captain Marvel, along with A Wrinkly Time and Ghostbusters 2016 is the best movie ever made. I write articles like this because as a progressive society, we need to support women. I do everything I can to ensure that women’s voices are heard and that the gender pay gap is rendered non-existent. I’ve not seen Captain Marvel yet because I refuse to frequent cinemas, they are squalid little hell holes filled with rednecks and are far too expensive. I’ll download the torrent of it from a pirate site just as soon as a Blu-ray rip becomes available. I can’t stand those ones filmed using people’s phones inside the cinema, terrible sound quality etc.


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