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How to be a woman on Twitter

The constant search for validation on the internet brings out the worst in us

April 13, 2020

3:47 PM

13 April 2020

3:47 PM

It’s not easy being a woman online, or so the saying goes. When we’re not being dismissed as dime-a-dozen bimbos, there’s a very optimistic creep in our DMs trying to corral us into ‘showing bobs and vagene’ from thousands of miles away. Twitter in particular seems to be an unwinnable terrain.

That said, the constant search for validation on the internet brings out the worst in some of us. If we can only build an audience, we tell ourselves, it will be easier to tune out the occasional misogynistic troll. Thus we resort to building an army of followers in some awfully predictable ways.

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The Thirst Trap

Perhaps the most famous of all the girls online, the Thirst Trap gathers up horny male followers by constantly posting booty pics and the occasional selfie with Instagram influencer makeup caked on a pouty face. Pictures are often captioned with open-ended prompts like ‘whats on ur mind?’ and ‘tell me something i don’t know’ to drive engagement. The ultimate goal for the Thirst Trap is to migrate their army of simps to their OnlyFans account so they can afford rent this month without working a real job.

The Sex Fiend

The Sex Fiend differs from the Thirst Trap in that, while attractive, they usually don’t post overly provocative photos. Instead, they cloak their man-baiting in a veil of humor and female empowerment. Posts will include jokes about masturbation, references to Pornhub Premium subscription deals, and subversive commentary on stereotypes about sex and gender. It’s a bit more high-minded than a simple ass pic, but the end-goal is ultimately the same.

The Oversharing Mom

There are many different types of moms on social media, some trying to give the false impression that their household is running perfectly, others forcing politics down their kid’s throats, some just trying to give a realistic look at what motherhood is like. However, there is a line that’s too often crossed by some moms on the internet. We don’t need to hear, for example, that your kid just took a dump on your carpet. And putting an emoji over your child’s face in your daily photo updates doesn’t change the fact that their privacy has been violated.

The Fitness Bunny

‘Hey, you! Yes, you! Did you know you can also have these abs if you order a 10 lb box of Fit Tea and pay $35 a month for my app?’ The Fitness Bunnies come in different forms — some provide genuinely helpful tips and programs for fitness and weight loss, while others grift off female insecurity and unrealistic expectations. The latter group is easy to spot because they’re usually sponsored by pseudoscientific wellness brands and posts are more focused on mirror shots in expensive athleisure gear than actual workouts or healthy eating advice.

The e-Girl

The e-Girl is not like other girls on the internet because she doesn’t actually care what her followers think of her! (She does.) This quirky cat probably has a Twitch account and was definitely the first person over 23 to migrate to TikTok who isn’t a Chinese spy. She’s just sO rAnDoM, posting selfies in a Lord of the Rings t-shirt with her tongue sticking out — never smiling, always heavily filtered.

The Intersectional Crusader

This girl can be just plain exhausting. Every piece of political news is met with a hand-clapping tweet consisting of overly reductive progressive talking points. Anyone who disagrees is immediately blocked or ‘dragged’, and despite this girl’s own toxic following, she unironically hates Bernie Bros. She repeats statements 10-plus times in one post, such as ‘BELIEVE ALL WOMEN’ or ‘MEN ARE TRASH’, but you likely won’t find her saying anything about the recent sexual assault accusation against Joe Biden.

The Fisherwoman

The Fisherwoman cultivates a small but loyal following by constantly posting about how awful they are so friends and simps alike will swoop in to tell them how wrong they are. Self-deprecating jokes, no-makeup selfies with captions about how terrible they look, and posts about never finding a boyfriend are all par for the course here.

The Bible Babe

The Bible Babe is immediately identified by the hand-picked Bible verse in her bio. She takes her religion a step beyond normalcy by wielding Biblical passages as a cudgel during political debates and condescendingly promising to pray for people who disagree with her. You’ll also be asked to pray for her almost daily, whether it’s because she got a flat tire on her way to work or her sister’s cousin’s boyfriend is going through a ‘really tough time’ right now. Never mind the details, you’re an asshole if you don’t respond with the praying emoji. Christmas and Easter are celebrated with overly made-up selfies captioned with quotes about Jesus that are so vague and hokey they are essentially a Christian version of the abominable ‘live, laugh, love.’

The ‘Not Like Other Girls’ Girl

This woman goes so far in trying to avoid the aforementioned stereotypical behavior that she inadvertently throws these other women under the bus. She tweets about loving sports, beer, and offensive humor, but still posts the occasional selfie to remind everyone that she’s also hot. This woman has earned herself a permanent place in the boys’ chat but also struggles to connect with other women, which she conveniently blames on them instead of her own overly judgmental nature. OK, this one might be about me.

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