When Cockburn heard that Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was calling for a boycott of Goya, he wondered what the dead Spanish painter had done wrong. Fortunately, a member of the Latinx community was on hand to explain in non-gendered grammar that it’s Goya foods that we must shun.
Goya sells high-quality food at low prices. But Robert Unanue, its CEO, made the mistake of expressing approval of President Trump. America, Unanue said, is ‘blessed’ to have Trump in charge.
‘Oh look, it’s the sound of me Googling how to make your own Adobo,’ Ocasio-Cortez tweeted.
So the bean is banned. The salsa is censored. The flan is forbidden. The guac is gone.
Adobo, Cockburn recalls from an all-inclusive winter break in Puerto Rico, is a spice mixture that goes into a marinade. This softens the texture of meat and other responsibly sourced foods.
Ocasio-Cortez’s brain is already marinaded in Marx and its texture has softened accordingly. As a veteran of the hospitality industry, she is ready to help Latinx Americans as they extricate themselves from the gordita-like grip of corporate catering, venture into exotic-smelling bodegas, and learn to cook for themselves for the first time.
Abuela’s Adobo Recipe
You will need:
1 loaf of bread
2 cans of Goya black beans
1 pinch of ginger
2 eyes, wide in disbelief
16 Congressional expense forms
- Go to your local Latinx bodega
- Steal the loaf of bread because the NYPD cuts aren’t yet enacted and, actually, when you look at it, aren’t a real thing anyway
- Take one can of the Goya beans and throw it in the trash
- Tweet and then repeat with the other can
- Add a pinch of ginger, which is controversial
- Pour two teaspoons of Media Studies and mix well with a dash of resentment
- While the mixture is settling, embrace your sisters and other Communities of Color. But first, check they are unionized
- Go back to your local Latinx bodega and tell them you’re boycotting them for stocking Goya products
- Troll your mixture in an unsubtle fashion while looking concerned for the poor
- While waiting for the flavors to settle, mix a strawberry daiquiri on Instagram Live
- Marinate for the second Trump term