As someone who is able to process information at a higher level than the average person, these past few weeks I have been investing a lot of my energies into the situation we find ourselves in regards to the COVID vaccine rollout. I have some concerns. Firstly, are any of the vaccines suitable for vegans? Have the ingredients been ethically sourced from independent suppliers who only employ Black and ethnic minority workers at a 25 percent above-average wage? Did the vaccine trials include a significant subset of genderqueer and nonbinary individuals and, (more importantly) if so, were their needs met when it came to respecting their unique identities and their right to exist?’

As you will now be aware, I have only just begun to shave the very tip off the Titanically-proportioned iceberg of this issue. Such is my ability to empathize, my mind is often awhirl with the minutiae of details the ordinary brain would not have the capacity to even consider. ’Tis my gift and my burden, but I will trouble you no further with the hardship of my intellectual brilliance.

What I really want to examine in this piece is the concept of ‘vaccine passports’. The US has recently ruled out the possibility of implementing these schemes federally, and I for one am disappointed. A huge missed opportunity here. This was the one thing I felt I could get behind. The idea of being able to refuse entry or services to certain uncooperative members of society very much appealed to my social-justice roots. I am hoping that Joe Biden rethinks this decision over the coming weeks and realises just how beneficial a system like this could be.

My only real criticism is that vaccine passports would not go far enough when it comes to wheedling out undesirable ‘free speech’ activists and the like. Granted it would mean selfish people who harbor genocidal feelings towards grandmas and asthmatics would have less freedom within the societal sphere, but we need to increase the size of the net if we are going to make any real progress here. I’ve been toying with the idea of a chip implanted into the brain which records and stores the Internet footprints of its subjects. I feel that this would give a good indication of how problematic a person is. For example, if someone has been banned from Facebook or Twitter, that would give their personal citizen profile a negative score which would enable venues to make an informed decision on whether or not that person is ‘appropriate’. Along with keeping logs of their voting choices, movie preferences, eating habits etc….a full picture of the nature of a person could be acquired instantly with a simple and painless retina scan.

This chip could be implanted from birth, recording every decision made by the subject so that by the time an individual enrolls in kindergarten, one quick scan will allocate them a suitable group. Very much like the Sorting Hat in Harry Potter only without the jovial tones of Leslie Phillips…(although perhaps this function could be incorporated into the design of the chip? I’ll make a note). Let’s say baby Timothy has an aversion to Dora the Explorer. Well then, firmware algorithm’s within the chip might flag up an innate propensity towards xenophobia or racism, which would then be uploaded to the child’s MindCloud database and monitored throughout the child’s development. Has the child been brought up in a vegan household, yet enjoys watching Burger King commercials? This may indicate a potential leaning towards capitalism (with a strong likelihood of fascistic tendencies developing in the near future) and the child’s online Psych Profile would be updated accordingly (as long as the child is within range of a reliable wifi access point).

In this way we could build a dynamic blocklist for the entire human race. Every indiscretion in a person’s life would be logged and made available at various public access points. A person’s standing within society would depend on their past mistakes. Isn’t this the dream? Isn’t this what social justice has been aiming towards these past few years? Hasn’t social media been priming us all for this? Forget vaccine passports, bring on the WokeChip.

I sent an email to Elon Musk outlining this technologically brilliant idea but all I received back from his office was a laughing emoji along with the words ‘lol u mad’ which I took as a cryptic message indicating that he is considering looking into it. I will await further correspondence once he has obtained the relevant connections and resources.