President Trump’s decision to kill Iranian general Qasem Soleimani has driven Americans a little more nuts than usual at the start of the new decade. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a Hollywood actress pleading with Iran, ‘we do not know how to escape. Please do not kill us’, or a neocon journalist declaring ‘allow me to make myself perfectly clear. If Iran touches a hair on New York City’s head the United States will bomb the fuck out of it’, or even a former football star saying there is ‘nothing new about American terrorist attacks against Black and Brown people for the expansion of American imperialism.’

So Cockburn is refreshed to learn cooler heads are prevailing north of the border, where a queer Canadian woman will be performing a death ritual against President Trump this weekend.

Alyssa Brown, a 21-year-old from Toronto who styles herself the ‘high priestess of gay twitter’, wrote this weekend: ‘on saturday 11 january 3 am EST, i will broadcast a death ritual against president trump. witches far and near please join me and perform the ritual alongwith me as i lead through it. to see what you’ll need, open the thread. rt so all witches get to see this.’


Ms Brown continues by listing what you need for the ritual:

‘the ingredients:
‘- 2 black candles
‘- 1 red candle
‘- red paper with a black pentagram drawn on it
‘- a rotten apple
‘- a trump poppet
‘- rotten flesh
‘- 3 pieces of bread
‘- black pepper
‘make sure you have them by the mentioned time.’

For those wrestling with the moral repercussions of deploying the dark arts to bring about Trump’s death, Brown assures you her intentions are purely utilitarian: ‘this ritual is not some “evil” act. this is what is needed right now. if this man proceeds to live he’ll put millions of innocent lives in jeopardy. his fate will be a lesson for the future fascists. enough is enough. the world isnt yours to oppress anymore. #witchesagainsttrump‘. John Stuart Mill would be proud.

And Brown concludes, ‘all of you worried about the three fold law can put the karma of your spell on me. my full name is alyssa brown just say “the karma of this ritual is on alyssa brown” 3 times before doing the ritual. i don’t care. the millions of lives at stake are more important to me.’ The Three-Fold Law, of course, is the Wiccan tenet that whatever energy a person puts out into the world, it will be returned to them three times. A cast-iron theory.

Naturally, Brown’s plans have drawn ire from both Trump-loving and God-fearing folk. She offers them the following response: ‘christians telling me im going to hell for casting a death spell on trump baby im already going there for being a dyke so while im at it imma send his poopatonic ass there first before he gets to kill millions of people’.

Cockburn doesn’t have plans for 3 a.m. on Saturday at present, so he’ll likely be watching. He probably won’t join in though, as the Cockburn household doesn’t tend to keep rotten flesh to hand.